I will be angry until it is fixed.

I have been really angry and upset over the order and everything that happened around it. I won’t get over it because the things that were said about me and to me were completely unacceptable. That order needs to be revoked and things put to rest between us otherwise it won’t stop making me angry. I cannot change how much I hate them. They must hate me too after what they did to me and said about me. I can’t forget those things; they rip me apart on a daily basis. I totally blame my current life on them. I wouldn’t be this way if what happened hadn’t traumatised me on top of already previously being traumatised after my son’s adoption. I had only just lost my case to keep him when I met her. I needed kindness not what I got. Instead, she kicked me when I was already down and everyone else followed with the same treatment. BPD, autism etc is not a choice but the way people treat me for traits is. I am not a danger. I wouldn’t intentionally go out to hurt anyone. I need kindness to help my issues long term. I never got that. If I was pretty, then I would probably be treated better. I certainly don’t have pretty privilege. I have even less going for me in that department since gaining all the weight which is trying to refuse to come back off. I don’t want the stress of removing the order myself, but the other half won’t do the right thing even though it would be easier for them to write to the court and request it to no longer be indefinite. Even when it does get discharged it remains on my record from that date. This comes up on any checks I have for even volunteering. That may mean the conviction it is related to doesn’t stop coming up either on a basic check. I need to get my records sorted. If pedophiles can get their records legally hidden from checks, then it is only fair that someone who got into trouble due to their disability and trauma can have their record prevented from coming up on checks. This is more about the principle and my dad wanted me to travel. There are many counties that won’t let you in if you have anything on record. I want to go to America at some point, but they definitely don’t let those with records in. The labels are stopping me for life. I did a few years of a law degree and still have found no avenue to do these things.