Too pale for this climate.

I haven’t been for a walk today because I am at mums for dinner. I am not even moving around but still dripping with sweat. I have put sun cream on for the first time in many years. I don’t want to end up looking like a lobster. I have a peely face from being out in this weather the last few days (despite putting on moisturiser with spf 30). I felt really down earlier because I feel like I am running out of time to find someone to have another child. I am 35 this year and it takes ages to get to know someone enough to be sure about going there. If I hadn’t lost my first son to adoption, then I wouldn’t feel so much desperation. I feel like I am not a mum even though biologically I am. It feels like that was cancelled out when they took him away. I had him alone for the reason that I don’t do relationships due to being autistic. I would do it that way again, but society will never allow a single openly autistic person to keep custody of their child. They will walk in and take my future children if I am not with anyone. I live in fear of that. I feel like I am forced to be with another when that isn’t what I ever want.

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