How was I not like this when younger? Was it resilience or did I just not recognise it?

I don’t know if PTSD type symptoms come on over time or if I have changed as a person with not enough emotional walls up to keep trauma developing from memories. I never felt impacted so much by what I went through at school and as a teenager until now. That was triggered by losing my son to adoption as time has gone on from the time he was adopted. I must have been a lot more resilient when I was younger. I never thought that I would be the type to develop ptsd like symptoms. Things never upset me that deeply until years passed. I keep getting retraumatised by being in the area I grew up in. I literally have no happy memories here and there is no way of me moving away having to rely on benefits due to being disabled. I am stuck in this area and that doesn’t help my mental health. I never used to be like this but now every time I see or hear a name from school I start feeling affected negatively. I get so upset to the point of ending up in tears. I get horrible memories flooding into my head which makes me feel like that kid being picked on and treated like a freak by both staff and students at school. They all knew that I was different and I couldn’t hide it. I had a name from school pop up recently and it has left me a complete wreck. They used to act like they were scared of me when we were at school. Their dad was one of the school teachers so she probably heard things more than an average student. I was a weird kid. I was a weird adult before I figured out how to tone myself down. But I just wanted love because I didn’t feel like I got enough at home. I never realised what I had at home until my dad passed away when I was in my early twenties. I literally feel like I am reliving the trauma of my school days every time I see, hear a name or see someone from school. I am crying to the point of shaking. I am trapped in this area. The option to move away isn’t there and probably never will be. I am mentally breaking staying in this area though. I don’t want to have to deal with those I was connected with via school years. I just can’t deal with the unhappy memories associated with growing up round here.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

One thought on “How was I not like this when younger? Was it resilience or did I just not recognise it?”

  1. Dear Em, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. I hope that your blog and pouring out your thoughts supports you a bit.


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