I constantly hate my body!

Seriously, I had to go for a long walk today due to hating my body so much. I had dinner at mum’s and went for a walk over in burbage. I had watery eyes while driving earlier which never happens unless I have bad hay fever. I feel like I have a tap on my nose. I am high on the ugly and fat scale today. I have decided that some money needs to be put aside to get rid of my face looking down syndromed (that is what happens when I am over a certain weight). I am working my way up to influencer level in the mental health/autism community so should be able to get some on the cheap in return for product endorsement. Also, I would consider liposuction because I feel absolutely disgusted at myself being this size and after what was said about me at a few hours old regarding that I looked down syndrome I am prepared to have all excess weight taken out. I will dig my heels in so far to stop others labels and assumptions being accurate. Genetics mean that I am not pretty in the standards required but I can fix that. I just have to make a lot of money. Sell a few books, promo as someone who owns a blog can go into cash pots to change my looks to something that resembles less of a pig. I hate the beauty standards but bloggers only make it if they fit that box. I have had a few days rest but in an ideal world you cannot rest. The fat creeps up and builds as soon as I relax. I may have muscle now (waist measurements are two inches smaller than they were when I weighed a few stone less). Calories that need to be burnt build up too easily if I rest for more than one day. If I cannot lose more scale weight then I am being a lazy waste of space. That number determines who I am as a person if there isn’t a downward trend. It cannot stay still or go up and down throughout the day. It has to be pushed down forcefully by persistent exercise and chemically controlling hormones by food consumption. Forcefully making myself to sleep for 8 hours or as near as possible even if it isn’t possible at night due to insomnia. I refuse to enjoy life until I have lost two more stone. I do not deserve to do so.

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