I don’t want to give away specifics because I do not want trouble or things to be any more awkward than life as an autistic is in general. The way other people act really doesn’t help my confidence levels. I have toned my autism down a lot (believe me, in comparison to what I used to be like I barely message people being chatty etc.
Firstly, men who looked at me before finding out I was diagnosed with autism completely lose interest to the point of blanking me or blocking me on social media. I shouldn’t have to hide that part of me to be accepted or at least tolerated. I would like a relationship (never been in one properly) but that common behaviour pisses me off big time. I just have a very low tolerance for that crap.
I share my life on the blog for mental health awareness and education purposes. The readers of the blog are privileged to have a glimpse into my life. I am open because that is the only way that progress is made. I am merely only ’brave’ to discuss taboo things because of the attitude and unfriendly vibes I am fed by others in my day to day life. That shit hurts me and it needs to stop. I have a past. I am open about it. I own those past experiences so no one else can throw them back in my face. We can’t change our pasts or who we are, but we can make sure that we own the narratives. I have a screw you attitude to the haters, trolls and those that just try to use adults that have a disability or that treat me as less due to my disability. I seem to be afforded less value when I disclose that I am autistic. I don’t see why I should hide who I am. Autism is as much me as my personality and the way I look. It makes up the complete person that I am.
People complain that I can be too quiet (to the point if creepy vibes) and then completely the opposite. That is a part of autism known as involuntary mutism. I used to get round it by writing letters, emails etc because I went shy around others I liked. I never knew that this was an actual common autistic experience until myself and other autistics started comparing each others traits.
I desperately wish that others could see how the way they treat us affects our confidence and ruins the whole vibe of being social for us. The stuff that we enjoy is basically no longer comfortable for us and many of us start isolating ourselves due to others making us feel unwanted. That isn’t fair.