Energy flops are annoying.

I had the plan to come home from walk and do stuff that needed doing around the house. I had my dinner and then my energy flopped. I managed to get dishes washed, clean clothes out the washing machine and cats their evening meal before I had to get into bed.

I may have accidentally used all my energy up in a twitter feed that I got tagged into regarding autism. I get fed up of the in house bickering between the autistic community. The supremacy attitude amongst groups within the community is out of order. They can not pick and chose the traits that they think makes them better than those of us with other traits. We have enough crap out in the world without getting it from our own community. I get it from autistics who weren’t labelled a criminal for their traits so when I see similar things happening I am right in there. If we can’t agree or split hairs over minor details then what chance have we got to teach the world how to coexist with us and increase understanding / acceptance in general? Divided is never how we conquer in the long term. We all have something to bring to the table in that goal. None of us is better than the other for any reason.

I just can’t today.

I only was just able to push myself outside for a walk. I was feeling so lazy after having a rest day yesterday. I had a small pack of alcohol last night as a treat and it gives me the patience needed when bleaching out the dark and ginger parts of my hair. The processing time meant I had it on until super late at night. I was going to use more than one box but wasn’t sure if I was reacting to it. They sometimes tweak the ingredients so my skin reacts until it gets used to it. The pathetic small amount of mixture you get for 6 pounds is absolutely useless for thick hair. You can buy separate bleach sachets and cream developer but the price is about the same. I am sure that every time I do housework there is an unknown force that just makes it look like I haven’t done it the next day. I had a good blitz on my rest day but now there is just as much bits around and things kept dropping on the floor when I was trying to put dinner on last night. I wiped it up but only with kitchen roll so it dried looking an absolute mess. Yogurt also leaves stickiness which keeps catching the underneath of my slipper. In my defence I managed to get a lot done in regard to putting a full root coverage of bleach while my dinner was cooking which I used to be quite slow doing. Then the cats decided that it was time for their dinner. That delayed mine even more. I swear that things are just constantly kicking up in my face right now. I literally put oil through my pony tail. It has gone dry again. I probably need to do a moisture treatment and straighten it into my hair again. That is the only way I can get it to retain moisture when it’s blond. I am somehow managing to keep the ends enough for it to get long this time. There is never a time when I do not put leave in conditioner on the lengths so even if it goes dry it doesn’t snap off. The trick is not to fiddle with it which is something I used to do a lot when younger. Bleach, wash, deep condition, straighten, and leave for a week. You can put oil on it in between if it gets a bit dry and make sure you protect it from the sun with those sun protection included oils.

There are differences between clairvoyant psychic and a medium.

I was reading through the twitter hashtag comments for coronation street on Friday night. There was a really crap (obviously fake) medium doing a show at the bistro. It came to my attention that lots of people don’t know the difference between a psychic clairvoyant and a psychic medium. I was asked if I speak to dead people. That is not the type that I am. I am more in the category of clairvoyant but only slightly. I have precognitive dreams and just ’feel things’. I don’t communicate with the dead. I have seen passed over people in dreams but that isn’t mediumship. I have heard that if a spirit is standing next to you in your sleep they can appear in your dreams. I don’t know how true that is but I have had dreams with living people in them and they certainly weren’t by my bed physically. I know those that are classed as medium and they literally can see the spirit in front of them or at least hear them in their head. The irony about me knowing I have these abilities is the fact that I got scammed out of thousands over a period of time by fake psychics praying on my vulnerability during the whole situation with my son’s adoption. I knew that I was going to lose him but I kept going back to the fakers for hope. I hate that there are those people out there targeting the vulnerable and those going through grief. There is no way to stop those types of people though. You could make charging for readings illegal but that would be hard to enforce and genuine readers who don’t scam people will feel like they’re being punished for the actions of those who have brought their industry into disrepute. I trust my own abilities now and I don’t charge to use them. I decided after that to help people with my abilities. I started this blog to share stuff with the world that I hope leads to progress and ending certain negative things like discrimination. I feel connected to everything and everyone naturally so technically no one feels like a stranger to me. I do get told I am over familiar but to me I don’t see it like that. I forget that while every stranger sees me as someone they don’t know… I connect with deeper levels of existence so they are not such a stranger to me. I have learned not to repeat what enters my head either because then they freak out and start asking how I know certain things. I also don’t get the culture of sliding into someone’s DM’s (direct messages for non internet savvy people) being a code for ’I like you, fancy you, want to be with you’. That rarely is the reason why I send a DM. I don’t think I will ever go by all these unwritten codes.

Lots of things to unpack on here tonight.

I was in a twitter debate earlier about the case of archie battersby. I am of the opinion that no decisions should be made on inconclusive tests. This is purely based on being one of the children that was wrongly diagnosed with epilepsy and treated with medication which wasn’t even approved in children at that time. The doctors aren’t always right. It seems unsafe to go ahead with actions to switch off life support with tests that are inconclusive. Doctors are guessing that it is most likely he is brain dead. That is basically another crystal ball prediction that the courts are taking as evidence. In a criminal court this wouldn’t be allowed so why do we allow it in the civil divisions? The balance of probabilities should not be used to take a child away from its mother. That is like giving someone a life sentence for what professionals assume might happen. That isn’t fair. I can assure everyone that it killed the former me. I am no longer the same person. They killed most of me the day that my son was legally taken from me permanently. The only thing I did wrong? Well, purely being autistic. The system know what issues are autism related but they split that up and make out in court that said behaviour is standalone. That is why they’re getting away with blatant disability discrimination. It is simply how you word things in a court arena.

Imagine how fuming I was after the excuses they made for taking my son for adoption barely giving me a chance (it was my first child) when I saw the news about that foster carer who killed the baby she was hoping to adopt. I didn’t have an alcohol issue, anger issues (apart from at childrens services while I was being treated in a certain way) and no debts. The system favours human beings that are just pure scum and it isn’t right that these ’people’ are the ones flourishing in society. They take children from disabled people for stupid reasons and give them to abusers… many of those deemed safe by social services have gone on to abuse children and in some cases murder them. Those of us with disability issues that won’t hurt a fly get labelled dangerous etc because they don’t understand us. They have used us as system targets for years. Meanwhile, the real dangerous ones are walking the streets and in some cases fostering/adopting children. The authorities tried to discredit me because I stood up and said I have had enough of the bullshit that has been going on since probably before I was even born. I cannot tell you all my whole life on here because I am simply not allowed due to family saying that I can’t. If those details were made public then I would not be treated so awfully by services and professionals I have met along my journey. I learned from an early age that I would end up in care if I wasn’t able enough. I was born into a background where care at home would probably not happen when I got old enough. I would simply end up in care and totally put on the scrape heap if I wasn’t useful in some way. I can’t go into any more details regarding my private life otherwise I will get into trouble with family.

Sleep pattern out of synch … living on my own time zone.

I haven’t slept the entire night. I slept late yesterday so my sleep pattern is a bit crap at the moment. I have sone some housework though. It was 2am but at least it is done. The cat (Mister) took a mouse from outside to play with him. The terrified little thing has ran under some furniture. I couldn’t see it when I put my phone torch (flashlight) under it. It probably climbed up the back to hide after the cat traumatised it. Many people wouldn’t want to sleep not knowing where it is but this is a common scenario here. There has never been a time when one has ended up in my bed so I’m not worried. I am used to it. They come out eventually when they get hungry. If I catch them before the cat they’re lucky. Mister kicks them around like a ball and Mimi is the type of cat that will just kill it if the thing comes face to face with her. I heard something moving so it may come out from underneath there soon. It probably won’t have much of a chance because Mister is on the end of my bed near where it disappeared. The cats have both worn themselves out chasing that thing around and now are sleeping on my bed.

I can’t decide whether I am tired or not. I feel a bit tired but not enough to actually fall asleep. I normally fall asleep about 6am recently. I do need to reset my pattern but it is hard enough to function at the moment. I can function better on my own time zone. It won’t be forever … just until my body and brain gets used to coming off antidepressants. The key is not to make things too hard. Small steps add up in the long run. They are all I can manage at the moment. I need to do things in stages to work up to having a normal schedule. I may never get there but I can get as close as possible. I don’t get very far in general. I keep winning bits on the lottery but never much. I won £5 for the second time in a few weeks last night. That kind of sums up my life. I get slightly lucky but either it doesn’t last or it is just a fluke.