I just do not care anymore and question previous beliefs.

I have changed as a person so much recently. I used to be the type who gave a shit. I now really do not care about anything. I totally no longer believe in all the spiritual stuff. The after life doesn’t exist otherwise my dad would have prevented so much stuff happening to me at the hands of other people and Jonny’s adoption wouldn’t have happened. How can I believe in anything now? I am done with being a good person. I just no longer care about anyone or anything. This isn’t even depression. It is the apathy of being alive for 35 years setting in. I know that I am meant to be grateful to still be living because lots of people die every day a lot younger than me. I don’t feel like doing barely anything at the moment. I look around and think to myself this never ending same shit different day makes me so tired. Too tired to even do housework because that is too much. I am bored of life. It is relentless in the fact that nothing changes because things I try just don’t work out. The good things are fleeting. They don’t stay and it is normally down to other people having a problem with my autistic related behaviours. In other cases my autism makes me too anxious to go to things. I just do not care now. I am just done here. Life feels so drawn out and on repeat. I just can’t be bothered to be present in existing anymore.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

%d bloggers like this: