I have changed as a person so much recently. I used to be the type who gave a shit. I now really do not care about anything. I totally no longer believe in all the spiritual stuff. The after life doesn’t exist otherwise my dad would have prevented so much stuff happening to me at the hands of other people and Jonny’s adoption wouldn’t have happened. How can I believe in anything now? I am done with being a good person. I just no longer care about anyone or anything. This isn’t even depression. It is the apathy of being alive for 35 years setting in. I know that I am meant to be grateful to still be living because lots of people die every day a lot younger than me. I don’t feel like doing barely anything at the moment. I look around and think to myself this never ending same shit different day makes me so tired. Too tired to even do housework because that is too much. I am bored of life. It is relentless in the fact that nothing changes because things I try just don’t work out. The good things are fleeting. They don’t stay and it is normally down to other people having a problem with my autistic related behaviours. In other cases my autism makes me too anxious to go to things. I just do not care now. I am just done here. Life feels so drawn out and on repeat. I just can’t be bothered to be present in existing anymore.