Day: June 24, 2022

I didn’t sleep until late so didn’t wake up until early afternoon. I attempted to fix my hair but probably didn’t blend enough of it due to only having one bottle of bleach to fix it (my hair is so thick that it takes 2 to 3 depending on whether I am touching up roots or doing the endless amounts of lengths). I popped the gym on the way around to get cat food and my own food from the supermarket next door. I don’t particularly have any excuses if I am in my gym kit and going shopping next door. I don’t like it but am more motivated to go now that I see results starting to happen. It takes months and I am the impatient type.

I am quite sure that I am probably not the only one unable to sleep due to warm close humid weather. Even the cats are not sure whether they want to be outside or on my bed tonight. I am also bugged by my hair colour. It can’t stay like this… it needs blending through ends just so the top doesn’t look so yellow white compared to the rest. The ends are still ginger so putting intense bright colour on it isn’t going to take at this blond level ( gingery stage). I am not going out in public until I have fixed it. It will also need a deep conditioning treatment on the ends to cause as little bleach damage as possible.

I wish that I could sleep because I only had two hours sleep yesterday due to having to be up at an early hour for a phone call and then a flat cleaning blitz while hair was processing when my mum came over. I have mixed feelings about my newly developed muscles. I can see them in places now my body fat is dropping. I have nearly firm upper arms which I can see my muscle when I flex. I am just not sure yet. They don’t look great with bits of body fat still around them. I can lift everyday things really easily though so that is helpful. I don’t lift very heavy weights with my arms at the gym so I’m surprised how large they look when I flex them. I am at the middle of my fat burning stage which makes me feel unattractive. Bloating happened before I started to feel some ab muscles. I go extremely bloated when I don’t eat enough or don’t get the balance right if I do too much exercise (too many calories burnt means the deficit goes too low leading to water bloat and body fat level getting stuck). The balancing is so hard to do when I am on my monthly. I sometimes don’t feel like eating and if it is on the heavy side I cannot exercise like normal. I get my progress stunted every month which is frustrating.

I feel extremely unattractive at the moment but the weather is not flattering. We are all dripping with sweat and ending up sunburnt. The nearest I got to a tan developing was a collection of freckles. I will feel much better when I have made my hair look more blended.

I still am hurt at how people treat me of have treated me. That is how I feel under the new take no shit kind of persona. I wish things were different in many ideal worlds within all kinds of situations which have happened in my life. I never get to change anything which really bugs me in some cases. I wish that many people in my past would come around to talk to me but the likelihood of that is less than slim. I don’t have hope in certain connections all based on how they were in my past. That doesn’t mean that all the rejection from those situations doesn’t continue to affect me. I just don’t show it.