I would also appreciate it if ’friends’ don’t use my past to justify the nasty things that they say to me. That is pretty low and shows that they suck as a person. Telling me that if I had settled down with them instead of going off with people who didn’t want me then I would have been able to keep my son. That is quite hurtful. Remember where met due to similar past experiences. Don’t for one second think that you have a better life than me. If you were really that settled with your current girlfriend then you certainly wouldn’t come online to wind up an ex who literally never makes contact. I reply out of politeness and I thought we were friends before all the things they said recently. That coming from the same person telling me that I should take the option to go off my medication for years. I never got this kind of crap from them before I started losing weight and lightening my hair. Face it, I have levelled up out of the league I used to be in. This is not a league that certain old friends belong in.
I woke up to a message saying that my personality was awful this morning. I had to survive the most awful things. That was always on my own. I never saw any of the friends saying my personality sucks around at those times. I have only ever loved people and had it thrown back in my face. I had that from an early age. That is damaging to a youngster who is still forming their sense of self. The fact that I had a head injury when I was a child and given too strong medication for epilepsy means my achievements were not easy. I fought my entire life to be able to do the things that I do. I find communicating exhausting. That is still not easy. I make mistakes when I get tired. This is something that I cannot help. I am not a mean person. I have no spitefulness in me. I am direct and say exactly what I think. I got used to being bullied so I developed a defence mechanism to retaliate. I got sick of being the one who gets walked all over and used. I would rather be alone than have people dropping by or only contacting me when they want something. If that makes me a horrible person then so be it. I am friendly but you’ll never get passed my outer shell. That is due to trauma that I experienced. I can at least say that I did all my mistakes with the best intentions (well the most recent ones). There wad no malice but I am stupid and naïve. That isn’t something that makes me an awful person. I was an awful person when younger and will be going to hell for all that.
I know that I am not the most attractive woman. That was made clear to me at school from bullies who said I had an alright body but it was a shame about the face. I was just told that I am a 4. I am going to become a 10. Once I get to that point then I will get anything I want by clicking my fingers because attractive people can do that. I have an inferiority complex about my face since finding out that I was suspected to have down syndrome as a baby hours after being born. I am prepared to have surgery on my face to make it look less like that and make me a 10. I deserve more than all this crap and I am going to get it. I am fed up of being put down and the various gaslighting. I swear that some of my so called friends enjoy seeing me mess up in relationships. They have a reason to put me down for my mistakes. Maybe it is time that I chose to cut a few people off? Yes, I am a disaster when it comes to relationships. I have the thinking of a child so I just do things impulsively which ruins things. I hate myself for being that way enough. I do not need put downs on top of that.
I will start off with my good news. I got my letter through for my ultrasound appointment today. I have to go for it next month. I thought that I would have to wait longer than that given what the GP told me on the phone last month.
Now, on to todays topic. I have noticed how uncommitted people can be. Some people will flirt (they could say be friendly) to multiple people at once. Those of you who know me are aware that 6 months ago someone I liked stopped talking to me due to me trying to help them by getting too involved in something. That is beside the point here. I was loyal because I liked them. We weren’t exclusive but I wasn’t giving others attention at the same time. I later discovered that while we were talking they were being friendly with several others in a flirty tone. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me. I simply can’t be that way. I wasn’t looking for someone when they came along but still ended up feeling heartbroken after they decided that they didn’t want to talk to me ever again. Why am I so upset over what I was like whatever about when we met each other on TikTok? It makes no sense.