I have to do this but it is quite difficult.

The whole process of trying to keep to a certain amount of calories (more than I naturally eat) to burn body fat and keep muscle is challenging in itself. I got up really late today. I had to fit in a lot of food not spread out which got quite uncomfortable. It was all healthy. There was just a lot and if I don’t eat enough I won’t be able to sleep. I find it difficult to eat more food after years of only eating one to two meals a day when I was a size 8 in my twenties and early thirties. I have never really eaten as much as a normal person. I was never heavy enough to need more calories to balance our my body. I do feel fat regularly even though I am making small bits of progress. I am inpatient. I see a body that isn’t me yet.

This paired with a coming off antidepressants schedule is a challenge. I keep feeling sad which is to be expected during the process. I have to get through that part. It will pass but it is frustrating to just feel emotional randomly. The levels will be up and down until I have tapered off them completely. The times that I feel normal (before antidepressants) is something that keeps me going on the journey to finally coming off them completely. I am getting slight brain zaps but I haven’t taken one since Thursday. I am due another dose tomorrow. The withdrawal effects come and go. They are more apparent when the next dose is due to rebalance the levels preventing it going into total cold turkey mode.

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