I had to change a few things.

I did get to the gym today after telling my mum I wasn’t coming over for dinner (not got enough calorie allowance left since last nights stuffing session). I have taken myself down on the weights and doing more reps. Apparently this helps not make hormonal issues worse. I obviously have upset hormones otherwise monthly wouldn’t have been a week early. It is so hard to exercise nearly every day without stressing my body. I have to even stop walking for a day if I bloat up. That is mainly due to my leg holding water from my toe injury. I hope that I can get that sorted with the GP appointment next week. I will probably have to wait another few weeks to actually get an x ray on my foot. I have already been told that getting an ultrasound and seeing a gynaecologist for monthly issues could take months to a year. I am not expecting much of the ultrasound because the last one didn’t find anything. If I do have something like endometriosis then I need to find out sooner due to stages of progression which can be held back enough to stop it getting worse if caught at an early enough stage. If I do have it then that could have explained how it was last month and how big I swelled up. That is through negligence from the NHS not finding it sooner despite numerous trips to the GP over the years. I will be making an issue out of that if it is found too late and the stages stop me being able to have more children etc. There are other things like untreated pcos which can also prevent that too. I can try to reverse the hormonal stuff naturally but that can’t happen much after a certain progression. I was fine when I had my son. It progressively went down hill over the last decade.

The problem with any hormone going wrong is that it can knock others off by malfunctioning because they are technically all together. There are many with Pcos who have had their thyroids affected. Doctors simply do not check them correctly until it either causes people to go mentally ill (in most of those cases those people end up in mental health facilities and fed lots of psychiatric medications) or it kicks off physical illness which gets diagnosed. I only know this due to educating myself because I wanted answers that I simply wasn’t being given. The things which the GP has given me (for example: iron tablets) made it worse despite them being changed to a different one several times. I have a very noisy zappy brain today but I can’t give into those antidepressant withdrawal symptoms otherwise I won’t get off of them. I have to last until tomorrow no compromises. The reliance on them from my body chemicals have to be broken and that is how it will complain as the levels are taken down. I have been tearful but at least I can feel like a non medicated person again. I have regained my creativity and abilities that they took away. Yea, it is hard to get up but I am at least getting up. Depression doesn’t always allow people to do that. I may feel like absolute crap while coming off them but anyone who knows me will be aware of how stubborn I am. I know that I have to get through the withdrawal process which my body will fight due to being used to that medication. I am grumpy but only due to realising I do not want to settle for the life I am currently living. I want to renew my passport, get away sometimes etc. This small town life isn’t for me. I only accepted it because I was dosed up on medication to make me accept all that has happened in my life. I am no longer satisfied so my standards are no longer low enough to settle for the current reality of my life.

I have finally joined the wireless headphone thing. I was always told by people who knew me that buying the wire headphones were so old fashioned. I wasn’t buying them until the price came down on that technology. At least in these ones I won’t have the wires breaking which is why I have had to replace several previously. I thought burbage coop cash machine was going to swallow my card earlier. It was extremely slow. I hope no one has put a dodgy card data collector in it. I am keeping an eye on my bank account just in case.

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