Day: June 18, 2022

I haven’t even bothered to get dressed. I am tired from walking every day this week. I just can’t right now. I got up to have breakfast but dropped off to sleep with the cats. The weather was raining for quite a while which made me want to stay asleep. I do have quite a lot to do but it feels too hard. I need to rest anyway due to my toe swelling up. The fluid has gone up my leg and worked its way into my hips causing me to look bloated. If I don’t rest to let it out then it is going to make my lower back and hips ache. I don’t need to have a bath because I had one yesterday (skin dries out if I have one daily). I will probably not get dressed today. I will just put clean pjs on later. It has gone cold (well it feels cold in comparison to yesterday). The rain has started again. I want to try to go the gym tomorrow so I am going to continue to rest and won’t be online much tonight. I am feeling sad but not due to coming off antidepressants. I just sometimes miss people. That is natural. I am also getting hungry. I can’t go after who I want to be with. The past in my own life puts me off doing that stuff. I am obviously easy to discard. I get it. I don’t have anything to offer. Others are so much more appealing than me. I tried so hard to do something good for someone but it backfired. I really want to have them in my life but I just can’t be good enough or undo my mistake. I hate being naïve and simple because the naturally dumb always lose out in life. I am not socially smart enough not to fail in friendships/relationships. I am just meant to be alone due to my brain nit being able to do those skills. It makes me a bad person to love without hating feelings taking over.

I am doing fairly well coming off antidepressants. I have had slight withdrawal effects but they’re fairly normal. The brain zaps have started to get less apparent since my body has got used to the levels of medication going down. I have felt quite irritated but life does that with or without medication. The fact that I get it into my head that I want to take control and sort certain things out in my life doesn’t make me mentally ill. I am completely sane nowadays thank you. I may have had times in my past where I was a bit off my rocker but I have settled down a lot. I need to tackle certain personal matters for my life to finally move forward (read previous entries for details). I could be rich (but I highly doubt it). I got a lucky dip for the euro millions lottery. I had a feeling to enter it so I followed my intuition. I got an email at about 1 am saying I had won a prize. The website doesn’t let people sign in over night which means I cannot find out whether its merely a small amount or a large amount. I will have to wait until tomorrow morning to log in. I hope it is not a small amount because that is so disappointing. Why would I have had the pull to enter from my intuition if it wasn’t going to be a large sum of winnings?