I can normally reel off a blog entry but today I can’t even come up with a title. I went the gym so am a bit sweaty to think properly. I got up late. I just can’t sleep at night at the moment. I would rather get some sleep even if it is during the day. I have my rearranged GP appointment tomorrow morning. I can’t miss that. I don’t know why I am bothered to wait for this appointment. I still have a swollen little toe but it is slowly getting better on its own. That is how long you have to wait to be seen face to face now. I probably should get it checked out in case I damaged it. I went to see someone about ingrown toenails. They seem to have made it worse. They grew back more dug in. I may have dodgy feet though as that is genetic (I was screwed from the moment I was born lol). There is a surgical option to fix those feet issues nowadays but I am not keen on it. Also, I want them to freeze my feet before trying to dig anything out next time. It is too far in. They don’t hurt all the time just occasionally I can feel how much they have grown and dug in. That is normally at night which doesn’t help sleep issues. I am going to the supermarket next door after I am finished with the gym today. I literally make myself go the gym when I have to come over here.
I wasn’t going to go for a walk this evening until my mother told me that I should join weight watchers. I feel bad enough about my hair air drying at the moment. It keeps getting caught under the chains on my bag despite being pulled over to one side. I deep moisturised it so don’t want the ends breaking. I wouldn’t mind being nagged about my weight but her genetics make me this way. Both sides I have larger relatives (well the females anyway, a lot of the men are naturally skinny). I knew my fate as I got older. I used to live off of low fat stuff when I was younger and still was a curvy size 8 to 10. I have had a skinny 6 ft female on mothers side question those curves when I was over a stone lighter last time they came over from the country where they live. I do not have the height that allows for excess weight. I was eating low fat, quorn none meat stuff even then but wasn’t approaching mid 30s at that point. I have always walked quite far distances. The only way I managed to lose another kg when my weight was stalling a lot was upping my calories. I also can no longer poop unless I eat over a certain amount of calories. I know that I need to go this evening due to my lower abs being swollen. I have swapped to gluten free cereal (normal stuff bloats me) and basically doing everything I can so quit telling me to do more.
I woke up to the news of the UK reviewing its human rights act this morning. In this review, they are apparently going to waiver the rights of disabled people. They can literally do it legally and we won’t be able to even say it is disability discrimination. It is basically going to legalise what has been happening in this country for a long time. Our lives will be disposable officially. Those of us with long term conditions may find ourselves with DNR on our medical files so that hospitals are not allowed to save us. I don’t have the full details and haven’t been awake long enough to find out full info. I am not sure whether the review has actually been done yet but this has just been ’leaked’.
I am just on a walk to wake up properly. I had to rearrange all of yesterdays plans to today due to ending up too tired. I will be doing some cleaning, printing mothers energy bill out and then going over there for tea this evening. I woke up bloated and really do not like this eating more calories thing. I am scared to death of gaining weight. I have made sure to stick to the rule that as 3000 calories equals a pound gain that I numerically try to balance out the numbers over a week either with cutting calories on alternative days or exercise to burn some. I ate 2,450 yesterday. That was only due to alcohol being included in them (only 2 little bottles). That is the highest I have ever consumed and now I feel so bad about myself. I probably consumed a lot more when I was drinking more alcohol (25 bottles a week at one point) but I wasn’t tracking calories then. The fact that I gained over 2 stone kind of shows that I was going over that 3000 calories mark on a regular basis.
I tried so hard to not have to take my antidepressants until Thursday but I got to the point where I couldn’t function. I got overwhelmed by everything. I was so tired that I had to go for a nap. I need to rest today but hate myself for doing so because I feel fat.
I got up for the doctors appointment but was 20 minutes late they wouldn’t see me so had to rearrange the appointment to Friday at other surgery. It decides to start raining on me and has gone really cold outside. If they had picked up the phone before I left home then I could have gone back to bed. I have to find the mouse that the cats decided to bring in early this morning. He was last seen heading under the fridge. He could now be anywhere. I keep itching due to allergies so not in the most comfortable state. I ate lots of stuff yesterday also uncomfortably bloated. I barely slept due to insomnia. I could do stuff that needs doing at home but I feel too moody and tired to do it. I look like I have been punched in the eyes through lack of sleep. I have to be up longer today because I am going to mums for food later.