Day: May 27, 2022

I wouldn’t mind if the misconceptions about who I am came from strangers but family have said this about me and I am not happy. I keep myself to myself and barely talk or see family. I have a public life on the blog but I also have a private life offline. I do not gossip either or offline. I am offended because I have never passed private information about anyone to others. I have only ever said what is public knowledge. I don’t know whether the assumptions are based on what they assume autism is but I assure you all that that assumption is wrong. I may have been a bit of a bitch and all over the place growing up but I would have more likely backstabbed you with a lie during meltdowns. I barely have them now and am a lot calmer. I would never be the weakest link when it comes to letting out personal info. If anyone assumes it is me then they are so wrong. I literally lived in a place where being that way would get you punished. I was conditioned to keep stuff to myself.

I should be asleep but my stomach is hurting so I can’t right now so I will write this entry now. I just watched a programme where the character reminded me of someone. I have these feelings under the surface all the time but tonight they have bubbled to the top of my thoughts. I often wonder what I did to deserve to be punished rather than helped and supported. I may have always put on a smile but that was a mask for how things really were. That always gave the impression that I was taking the piss rather than vulnerable and mentally suffering. Why was I so easy to be negative towards? How could they do what they did to me? I will constantly feel this way for the rest pf my life because circumstances will never allow me to get the answers. That torments me and will affect me mentally for the rest of my life.