Everything feels so hard today!

I can normally do 10,000 steps a day easily. That isn’t the case today. I can’t bend down without aching. It has been like walking up a hill the entire walk and now it is starting to spit rain on me. I am no where near the car. I woke up fat and bloated. I just managed to get to my eyebrow wax appointment. I bought a few bits in town and had something to eat on the way round. I put my hair up but still it keeps catching in my bag straps. I have lots to do at home when I finally get back. It was hard enough to get out of bed today let alone do anything before going out the door.

I had the best intentions but right now it is hard. Burn out has set in

I was planning to go the gym but having not slept much I do not have the energy. I stepped on the scale to discover that I have gained weight. I know it is only water. I can feel the water in places due to monthly due in a week. I feel stiff and achy after not walking yesterday. I decided to do weekly shop and chill out for the day. I am burnt out so had to reduce the amount of exercise. It takes enough energy to function. I still have a swollen toe which isn’t helping when putting that foot into trainers. I probably do need an x-ray because it does hurt inside my foot but getting one nowadays is a process of going through gp. The hospital told me to use anti inflammatory medication painkillers but that isn’t helping much. I know that it is easy to break a toe without much effort by stubbing it etc. It is my little toe so that is probably what I have done. I am naturally clumsy (as illustrated by the bruises on my legs). I constantly feel guilty for not going the gym or even a walk. There is the part of me telling myself I need a rest which I need to listen to otherwise the burn out feeling gets worse.

I know and accept my fate.

I just read something on a social media platform about someone saying that they thought that they would never have expected to get to 30 due to mental health issues. I never expected to reach 34. I honestly don’t expect to get to middle age. I may just do a Marilyn Monroe and be gone by 37 if I continue cocktailing pain medication, antidepressants and alcohol. Also, the sleep issues on top. It won’t be on purpose but a build up of toxic crap slowly destroying my organs. I feel the damage a lot but I ignore it. I didn’t drink for most of my twenties but I abused painkillers quite badly. I never felt the damage until after I turned 30. That is why I tell younger people that one day all their unhealthy coping mechanisms will come back to haunt them when they get older. I am always tired and feel like crap a lot due to damage from my teens and twenties. I had medication from the age of 8 (to 11) when I was wrongly diagnosed with epilepsy. I am surprised I even made it to 30 too. I know my potential fate and I accept that my life may be short like my Dad’s was (he died at 62). I make the best of it even though life has been extremely bad for me at some points.

Insomnia is getting annoying.

I may have not helped my insomnia by sleeping in late yesterday but I can literally hear birds waking up outside (its 4am). I have to sleep soon because I have plans tomorrow afternoon. I also need to do things before going out so my morning will be busy too. I need sleep to have the energy for the gym. I have to go over to the same town for my eyebrows to be waxed so I may as well pop in the gym while I am there. I am tired but sleep isn’t happening. I went to bed nearly falling asleep and then suddenly I lost that feeling and now I am laying awake. I am not even thinking about anything or anyone. Yes, the actions of certain people (well, person) continues to piss me off but I refuse to let them get to me to the point where it affects my life. They’re so full of themselves and their ego is as large as their waistline. I am not even being mean… it is an accurate description. I would like an apology (I apologised for my part) if they can manage to put their ego aside for a bit. The time to swallow their pride to sort things out with me is now. I may not give them a chance in the future because they were so unappreciative, just took and gave nothing back even before the friendship fell apart. The only time that they wanted to talk was when I pulled away and said I weren’t up to it. There was so many red flags of selfishness and manipulation tactics which I chose to ignore because I liked them at that point. I feel like I ask too much from others when I just want to be treated like I matter. People take one look at my disability and proceed to not treat me as a person. I have feelings regardless of their perception of who I am. I am getting to the point in life where I want an equal relationship where I am not the one always giving.