What did I ever see ? Can I trust my perception?

I sometimes don’t know whether I can trust my own brains perception. Or if my BPD makes me see a favourite person in rose tinted spectacles. I watched a video of the person that I missed since they stopped speaking to me at Christmas. I feel like I was watching a different person. That is not how I remember them. They don’t even look the way that I remember them. These are all old videos that I watched previously so I’m seeing exactly the same thing as I did originally. They are so ugly. I don’t remember them looking so much like an actual fat troll. I now just see a fat old opinionated woman who is always picking fights if she doesn’t agree with someone. How does my eyes see them totally different now? It makes no sense. That is why I wonder if I can actually trust my own brain. I wasn’t on so much medication then (dosage of antidepressants went up) … could I have been hallucinating or seeing a person that wasn’t there? They were there but I could see all the good things that actually were never there. They are both ugly in looks and personality. I couldn’t see that … why? I wasn’t ‘in love’ with them so it isn’t that… we were only friends. It doesn’t make sense and now I am worrying if I am mentally ill but have no idea that I am. Or that I was mentally ill at that time but I couldn’t see it. I have no idea if my perception is seeing stuff in life right. Maybe I was hearing voices in my head the other day when I thought my mind was just a bit stressed.

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