I didn’t post yesterday because I felt tired. I am just not up to much at the moment. I woke up for breakfast and medication but didn’t sleep until really late. I am not getting up properly yet. The weather is horrible. It is supposed to rain the entire day. I had the heating on last night because I was too cold to get to sleep. I woke up hot which wasn’t nice. I wish that I had more to say but I don’t feel up to communicating. I am planning to take it easy today. I have stuff to do but doing it slowly. I need sleep first before getting on to anything.
I made myself get up late and went to the gym. I hadn’t been enough over the last week. I am tired because I haven’t had much sleep. I have had insomnia for weeks now. I thought things were going too well when I started sleeping ok. I keep getting that deja vu feeling. I am sure that something is going to happen but I don’t know details. I woke up this morning seeing certain notifications on my phone which I swear I have seen before in a dream but I don’t remember what was in that dream. I have so many different dreams that getting them to stick in my head is impossible. I only remember details if I write them down as soon as I wake up. I have had this feeling the last couple of days. I just hope it isn’t the dream where we were nuked (had this years ago). I only worry about that dream predicting something due to what is going on in the world and the fact that putin has already threatened the uk. I never thought nothing of it before the Ukraine Russia war kicking off.
I am not the same person as I used to be. I didn’t see it until I woke up this morning. I no longer want to talk to people who have turned their back on me or even have a favourite person. I no longer have the pull that I have fought for most of my life. I just don’t feel constantly stressed when it comes to others anymore. I am also very tired today so not really interested in much right now in general. I miss the old me but she is better off dead. Her life wasn’t easy due to those issues.
I had my moping around stage. I have now got up and pulled myself together. I am still awake because I was watching bbc iplayer until late. I am tired though because I walked approximately 22,500 steps (edge of Earl Shilton to the centre of Hinckley and back). I have sore feet (hard not to get when going that distance) but I needed a long walk. The weather was nice so it didn’t feel like a hard task. I will pop the gym at some point this weekend. I needed a bit of a break from weights. I must start going more but right now I am taking it slowly. I got to the point of burn out so I can’t just flick back into my old routine of twice a week. I recovered but not fully yet. The scale is going down now so that has no longer stalled. I had a bad stomach earlier and wasn’t able to ’go’ for two days. The walk and two laxatives sorted it. I am glad because I felt so uncomfortable. That is all I can say without it being too much information territory.
I wouldn’t mind if the misconceptions about who I am came from strangers but family have said this about me and I am not happy. I keep myself to myself and barely talk or see family. I have a public life on the blog but I also have a private life offline. I do not gossip either or offline. I am offended because I have never passed private information about anyone to others. I have only ever said what is public knowledge. I don’t know whether the assumptions are based on what they assume autism is but I assure you all that that assumption is wrong. I may have been a bit of a bitch and all over the place growing up but I would have more likely backstabbed you with a lie during meltdowns. I barely have them now and am a lot calmer. I would never be the weakest link when it comes to letting out personal info. If anyone assumes it is me then they are so wrong. I literally lived in a place where being that way would get you punished. I was conditioned to keep stuff to myself.