Actions mean a certain amount but ultimately people judge people the way that they want.

I don’t know how quite to structure this blog entry but I will do my best to cover several different time points without confusing readers. I was briefly a member of a local theatre group which met at a community centre. I got kicked out due to my autism traits kicking off (I was in a bad place due to my son being in care and knowing he was going for adoption). I spoke to (well, emailed) the local pantomime company telling them about the group. This resulted in the leader who kicked me out and the group being more recognised. Since then they have got a lot of success as well as the leader of the group. I am still disliked by them for my autism traits despite what I did behind the scenes for them. I had family who paid to go see me in that show but the money was never refunded because of the circumstances (my autism traits caused it – my fault). The fact that I helped them out behind the scenes and they got the police involved (arrested, thrown in court etc) was more hurtful to me.

Then, when I got to university, after my son’s adoption had just gone through (like literally 2 months after my last court appearance to stop it). Obviously, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. That doesn’t excuse everything that I ended up doing but it was a huge factor. I also didn’t know that I had BPD which was something that didn’t help either. I liked the tutor but at the same time I hated them through some kind of jealousy. I was in fight mode still after what happened with my son. Yes, my autism traits and bpd favourite person thing kicked off. However, when they kicked me out because of those issues I was led to believe that the tutor had been vindictive toward me. I decided to retaliate by threatening them and later on… really sticking the knife in when it came to backstabbing them for what they were supposed to have done behind my back. Once I knew that the system had led me to believe the wrong things it was too late. I couldn’t reverse what I had done or the things that had happened. I can never reverse the whole situation for things to be ok again because of the restraining order involved. I had words with my disability support at the time which is when it got withdrawn and never given back to me. That was why my support got taken away. I was never supposed to find out certain things weren’t as I had been told by them. I have now been without council funded support for nearly 6 years. I still struggle but the council won’t provide support in any form because the last package ’didn’t work’. So yes, that is how it was all left.

Then, we go forward another 5 years, I vow that I will never do the vindictive stuff in the middle paragraph again. I met Sam D who was someone I was getting to know via TikTok after I joined early last year. We got on ok. I wanted to help her and her son talk again. It was misguided and naïve but I knew that she really wanted to have him in her life again. I contacted him but not because she asked me to do so. I just wanted her to be happy again like she was in old instagram photos in the times when her son was in her life. Even doing something with good intentions got me ditched as a friend. I never seem to be able to win being naturally socially naïve and not streetwise.

The point in these three cases is that people will think whatever they want about a person based on how they judge them. If they want to see you as an awful person then that will be their opinion. That will never be in my control. I was letting things get to me last night when I couldn’t sleep… remembering all the awful things that others had said to me. I wish that this wasn’t in my head a lot.

%d bloggers like this: