Random dream that I remember well.

I remember the main bits of a dream which I had earlier in detail. The moon looked extremely dodgy with just like a ring of light around the edge. The best comparison would be similar to an eclipse but the white light was like the hue of an apple mac logo light. Then the light ring started spinning. Then there was lots of moons sprouting from this moon (a bit like a 90s screensaver). Then it stopped, this was only briefly before the moon looked like it was hurtling toward us with a fire ball coming from its tail. Then at the end it never actually collided with us. I woke up when the words hoax was being said by those in the dream. Maybe we are living in a simulation or something.

I can only do so much as a person.

I have many things I can no longer do due to trauma. That is going to make winning the mental health blogger of the year extremely difficult. I don’t really go to events or hang out in public for an extended period of time. Networking in person is a thing that is affected by what I have been through. I can’t even talk to people in passing due to how it all left my confidence. I am quiet and get on with whatever I am doing. I would have loved to be someone with millions of followers and kind of famous but I can’t do all the things necessary to get to that level. You literally have to be constantly going to things and be places meeting people. That is my version of a nightmare. The clue is in my blogs name – introvert. I have my life away from prying eyes which is important to me. I used to be cool with sharing until who I was got me treated badly. I don’t have an interesting life. I haven’t even been on holiday since I was a teenager. I have only ever been abroad once to Spain when I was about 12 / 13. Dad always wanted me to travel. I never even used the passport he renewed for us just before he passed away. I like to stay with the familiar life that I know and has been the same for years. I may be missing out but its safer not to take risks. The not having hopes and dreams thing means that I can never fail or face rejection again. That is what my head needs after the trauma that I went through.

I am not sure which way things are going.

I managed to sleep for a few hours last night. I weighed myself this morning and had gone up a kg. I am getting fed up. I know that unless I can sleep properly at night my weight is never going to start reducing. That is something that I just can’t do at the moment. I am hoping that having a rest day doesn’t pile on more weight. I was assured that it wouldn’t but after 4 days of being in my new calorie range it should be going the other way now. I feel less bloated but the weight is still clinging. I do have patience but not gone down on the scales since January. I wouldn’t step on the scales for ages because I was stressed every time I saw the number. I was hoping to have lost 2 stone by now. I only lost a stone then it stopped. That is why I took my weight machine reps back up to the amount that I was doing when I lost the stone. I was also not walking every day then. I will hopefully get the results from that combination because I know that it worked to shift first stone. I was sleeping better then but that isn’t easily fixed.