I didn’t even want to get up today. I didn’t sleep again last night. The eating more calories thing works. I was much stronger on the weight machines and added more reps to the current weights I can live. I know that I went for a long walk (burnt 700 ish calories) yesterday and this should logically be a ’rest day’ but I have things on tomorrow that I moved from today because I woke up extremely tired (that is good considering I fell asleep at 7am and woke up at midday). I can get the other stuff that needs doing at my flat tomorrow before I go out. That can be my rest day. I even don’t have to cook dinner because I am going to my mothers. I am on a cardio machine multitasking while typing this entry. I wasn’t going to post today but I kicked my lazy ass into action. I am kept awake by how my friend treated me. I cannot helping but I refuse to let her completely destroy my daily routine. I would be much better if she spoke to me but we all know that she won’t because she is too stuck on her decision not to speak to me. I see her point of view about what I decided to do but I am done apologising to someone who just won’t accept it. If she was a friend then she would give a shit about her actions affecting my mental health… after all she is well aware of the in’s and out’s of my autism / bpd etc. That is what those of us do via tiktok who have these conditions. She knows that things that she is currently doing can stop me functioning properly. I understand her stuff and that is why I haven’t pushed it as hard as my condition wants me to do. I am having to fight my brain which causes me issues too.
I got an email saying that my blog is just full of complaining about others. If has that aspect but it is in context. The context is only understandable if a reader looks at the about me page. I talk about my experiences as an autistic person also with suspected borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately, that has come with a lot of rejection and some other traumatic experiences over the years. Those are extremely hard to ever completely get over. I have only just got to the point where I don’t care what others think about me. However, that isn’t going to rebuild the confidence that I lost over the years. I used to socialise a lot more, go to karaoke and other things I enjoyed. That is something that I haven’t done for many years. There is regular karaokes and a walking group locally but I probably will never go to them. I don’t think I am at that point yet. I was starting to get the old me back before all the trauma when my friend (favourite person or whatever) fell out with me which put me back a lot.