It is half 4 in the morning. I can’t sleep again. I can’t keep sleeping during the day. I am stressed at myself and ate too much earlier. I feel like I gained weight already. I am so fed up of being in this pattern. I am living in a mess because nothing is getting done properly. The night feels so long when you are in awake mode. The cats are all out of synch too. Mimi keeps asking me for her wet food at a stupid hour. They do have dry food down but she won’t eat it unless I refuse to give her the other stuff. I heard her eating it earlier. I have a migraine coming on again. They get really regular sometimes. I actually get them less when I drink a lot of alcohol. I barely got any migraines when I was drinking alcohol on a daily basis last year before I lost a lot of the lockdown weight. I probably wasn’t feeling stressed because I was always a bit numbed. I now hate myself because I got on the scales and I am now 81 kg … I don’t want to be this heavy and it makes no sense that I have lost inches but still gone up a kg. I need to fix this for my own mental wellbeing. I will do anything, including dangerous things like laxatives (I know my IBS holds onto crap… literally. I cannot stay at that size. I have to give it an extra push in some way. I was 84 kg when I first started the gym. This is barely any progress in 6/7 months. I look smaller but the scale says I am still fat. I need that excess fat to burn off. I am obviously eating too much on the calorie scale for it to go up. I refuse to accept this weight. I do too much exercise to justify the scales hovering at 80kg.