The scales reading got to me so I had breakfast this morning with medication at about 7 am before I went to sleep. Then never had anything before going out to the gym. I regret that because I have now struggled to lift what I can normally manage without it making me feel ill. I tried to get hold of the gp earlier today at 8am. I gave up waiting after being left on hold for a while. I need my pre bookable appointment rearranged as that was originally made to discuss the blood test results. If something isn’t balanced in my body then I will never lose the weight that I gained. I was too tired to wait for them to answer the phone this morning. I needed sleep which I was prioritising until at least mid day because it was better than none. I accidentally fell asleep until 7pm this evening which doesn’t help reset my pattern, not to mention that my place is not pleasant to live in any longer. I can catch up in bits but it is never enough. I have also not managed to go for a no 2 in the last 24 hours. I can feel myself all stuffed up around there it is horrible. Sorry for the too much info but it feels absolutely horrible. If the gym doesn’t move things along then I have got laxatives to push things along. I haven’t had to use them yet because when I get like this a walk or gym session normally sorts out the blockage. I feel sick too and really not myself so I need to sort out my sleep pattern. I don’t know how I am going to do it without medication which the gp refuses to give out nowadays.
It is half 4 in the morning. I can’t sleep again. I can’t keep sleeping during the day. I am stressed at myself and ate too much earlier. I feel like I gained weight already. I am so fed up of being in this pattern. I am living in a mess because nothing is getting done properly. The night feels so long when you are in awake mode. The cats are all out of synch too. Mimi keeps asking me for her wet food at a stupid hour. They do have dry food down but she won’t eat it unless I refuse to give her the other stuff. I heard her eating it earlier. I have a migraine coming on again. They get really regular sometimes. I actually get them less when I drink a lot of alcohol. I barely got any migraines when I was drinking alcohol on a daily basis last year before I lost a lot of the lockdown weight. I probably wasn’t feeling stressed because I was always a bit numbed. I now hate myself because I got on the scales and I am now 81 kg … I don’t want to be this heavy and it makes no sense that I have lost inches but still gone up a kg. I need to fix this for my own mental wellbeing. I will do anything, including dangerous things like laxatives (I know my IBS holds onto crap… literally. I cannot stay at that size. I have to give it an extra push in some way. I was 84 kg when I first started the gym. This is barely any progress in 6/7 months. I look smaller but the scale says I am still fat. I need that excess fat to burn off. I am obviously eating too much on the calorie scale for it to go up. I refuse to accept this weight. I do too much exercise to justify the scales hovering at 80kg.