Conditioned to not be afraid of anything…

I have had so many people try to silence me by trying to scare me over the years. They think that if they do that I will keep quiet as a marginalised member of society. You cannot scare someone who was locked up in a mental health unit as a teenager. I was the youngest in an adult unit. I had to grow up quickly. I saw a lot that the outside world didn’t see. Anger doesn’t scare me. I duck or disappear when I sense that it may come toward me. I am also not afraid to go into things that no one else will attempt to fix. I do that because avoidance isn’t going to change our system. If none of us speaks out it won’t ever change. That is why my post on my son’s birthday was brutally honest this year. I was waiting until my son was old enough to understand that not everything is not as it seems. If he finds something online his adoptive parents will have some very difficult questions to answer. That is why I chose now. I started questioning things at 10. I am hoping that the rise of the internet has made all children that way by that age.

It isn’t a phase or a trauma response.

I am fed up of people assuming that what I go for in a person is either a sign that I am confused or that it is some kind of trauma response. I am NOT confused, this is not a phase and is definitely not a trauma response. I know my own mind regardless of my autism etc. I prefer older, that is my preference, nothing to do with any of my issues. I know their physically not going to be as attractive as a younger person but that isn’t my preference either. I like someone to be funny and who can make me truly smile. I found that and stupidly messed it up due to my decision. This was the first occasion that I met someone who wasn’t in a professional role (eg teacher at an education place) so we were both equal this time. If I hadn’t truly fell for them then it wouldn’t be keeping me awake at night. I would give anything to be forgiven and allowed another chance. I said all the stuff on here due to being upset and I am always moody due to not sleeping much. We could both have more children together. Women do that kind of thing nowadays. They said that it never happened even though they would have wanted more. I am young enough to make it happen for at least the next 7 years. We don’t have to even live together nowadays. I know that so many people around me don’t even want us to be friends again (my mum has said that). I know who I want to be with if circumstances allow. I am old enough to make that decision regardless of age gaps. The fact that others are against it doesn’t matter.