Day: April 16, 2022

I normally do put happy birthday to my son every year on here. Only, now that he is getting old enough to understand, I think that I should publish how I feel about the way in which his birth parents took him away from me. They wanted a child. In doing so they took my life away. I have been just existing ever since he was given to them. There was plenty of unwanted babies out there that they could have had but mine was the one that they chose. I never settled since that day a decade ago. When a woman gets her baby removed against their wishes then they are never the same again. They can never be truly happy or trust enough to be in any kind of relationships. They have given me a life sentence of that existence because of their selfish desire to have a child. Meanwhile, over the years, I was abandoned and kicked out of everywhere I valued because of how the trauma affected me. That is the reality of the decision that they made.

This migraine has either been brought on by stress or allergies (supposed to be really bad for hay fever sufferers this weekend). Either way, I feel and look awful. I can’t believe how much I have aged all of a sudden. Ok, the lack of ability to sleep consistently probably is catching up with me. I haven’t slept much since my friend fell out with me. I just don’t sleep well when people treat me that way. It unsettles me… that can last for months, sometimes years. I pretend I don’t care and carry on with life but really I do want to be friends again. I only did what I did because of my own life experiences. Imagine what I am feeling like today. I never got a chance with my own son. He is 10 today and won’t even remember me. I tried to repair my friends connection with her son because I know how much it hurts. I think very literal due to being autistic, I saw the solution as simple when to others it isn’t. I cope without support services so my autism gets to freestyle into unwise decisions. I don’t deserve to be fallen out with for good. If I hadn’t lost my own son to adoption then I wouldn’t have made the decision which got me ditched.