I needed a day to relax.

The title of this entry is now contradicting because I decided to go for an evening walk when I did get up. I had to get a few things from the shop. I managed to get an easter egg this year. I waited until the last few days before Easter the last few years. There was none left. I leave it until later so that kids get them before they run out. I had to get it today because there isn’t a lot of choice left in local shops. I got a galaxy one. I don’t like the smarties and kit kat ones. Those that know me describe me as fussy. Nope, selective and most of you cannot afford me. I lived down south for nearly a decade. I came back eating expensive chocolate and panini’s etc. It was the prioritised lifestyle to go get nails done every few weeks, buy named stuff (in the most affordable ways of course). The panini’s definitely aren’t the same down here. The nail designs weren’t just plain polish in the nail bars down there. You could have the detailed airbrush designs either with or without polish and gem designs. I saw the side of life that I cannot have in the part of the midlands where I was born. Fate was shitty when I got sent to where I did as a teen but it showed me a whole new world I wouldn’t have seen if I had never left and I probably would have never made the move if I hadn’t ended up in that area through circumstances. I probably would never go back to the exact area because as a youngster the person that I was made enemies easily. I was young and dumb with extremely naïve actions on the quest for love. Ten years later I may not be the same person but people don’t forget. That is the curse of bpd when you’re still growing.

I couldn’t sleep again :( There are certain things that I will always feel.

I feel awful because I couldn’t sleep again last night. I also dropped a little bottle of wkd on my swollen toe last night. I can feel the bruise coming up. That is now going to take longer to heal due to bruising on top of whatever kicked my toe off originally. I can never be functioning properly at this time of year, my son’s birthday is in 2 days. I do feel sad because he is 10 now and I haven’t been allowed to see him since 14 months old just before adoption went through. I see all the years he hasn’t been in my life as living a lie. I don’t live, just exist. The cats are like children but it isn’t the same. I see every day as something I have to endure not enjoy. This was never meant to be my life. Jonny was meant to stay with me. The adoption happened due to circumstances beyond my control. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong at that time. I fought it and deserved to keep my son. I worked so hard day and night to try to keep him. I was pushed to fail by a system that doesn’t help disabled parents because there is no profit in doing so. There is a rolling cash flow if a child is placed for adoption, for the system and adopters. I was never part of that equation despite being initially being proposed two letterbox contacts per year but that was taken away after I fought the adoption plan. I had my baby cruelly snatched away into a system that saw me as the equivalent to a character in the handmaiden’s tale. I was lied to and strung along bring told to do whatever they required when they were putting my son for adoption anyway. Then when they had taken him away… I was cast aside and finally abandoned by the system when my support service weren’t helpful and I told them so which resulted in me not getting any funded support from the county council for nearly 7 years now.