Most of my readers will know that it is Autism Awareness (Acceptance) month in April. I used to participate in it but now I don’t because of the way that not so autism friendly organisations have taken over the platform. Firstly, light it up blue is not something that most of us who are autistic support. This campaign is ran by Autism Speaks (based in the USA). They support and direct autistic people to conversion therapy techniques such as ABA. If people want to participate in the spirit of this month then join in with light it up gold (seen this done in the UK a while ago) or wear red (run by an autistic campaigner in the US). There is a vast amount of conflict between autism researchers, autism parents (yes, that type of ’autism mom’) and people who are autistic. I try to keep out of that but it can be quite difficult. That is why I stay out of everything during april, plus this month is hard for me personally due to my son’s birthday (he was adopted for new readers-due to my autism issues). I also feel like our voices get drowned out during this month so there is no point joining in.
I was saddened to hear of the death of the former chief of police Leicestershire. He was one of the good ones who introduced things to improve the system so he deserves a passing tribute during this entry. There have been rumours that it was found to be suicide but I am not going into that until an official statement is made in respect for his family. I want to talk about something related to that though. I can only go into certain details because some of these things were discussed in a private conversations between myself and someone else. Their relative was a police officer at the time we were at school. They ended up with mental health issues due to what they had seen at their job. I remember a young officer saying how many suicides he had seen. It must be horrible to be in that job sometimes. There is a handful of decent officers in a cess pit of corruption. I refer to one ex officer as fat (their name) because of how her actions got me and many other vulnerable people labelled for life. Those are the types that abuse their positions. I can never forgive those types because it led to all that happened to me due to what information got entered onto the system about me. Those types do impact on everyone who does a job for the right reasons.
I have just let the cat in after he decided to come in for the night. He has now settled down next to me on the bed where he falls asleep next to me. I can’t sleep despite only having two hours last night. Well, yesterday morning… 8 am until about half 10. Insomnia is really bad at the moment. I get stressed out because I can’t sleep which keeps me awake even more. I am worse when I have to be places for a certain time. I barely slept when I was going to college etc. I fell asleep easier in my early 20s when I first did my media production btec than my late twenties when I went back to do gcses. Trauma can deeply affect aspects of a person’s life. Maybe I am not settled mentally enough to sleep much since losing my son to adoption etc. I don’t feel unsettled but I probably no longer notice it because this feels normal to me. I’m probably not over it, that doesn’t happen but it is all filed in the back of my mind now. I cried over everything for many years but that disappears in time. I carry on because there is no other choice. I do still hurt over it all sometimes… like his birthday which is in a fortnight.