I hate making an effort just to be not appreciated. I am extremely upset.

I promised myself that I would not get upset. I need to be a player so I had to stay in the mindset of whatever to be that person on a permanent basis. That is how you need to become as an autistic so that rejection no longer hurts. That is what we get 99% of our lives for things that we can’t change. I have to learn to expect nothing and be grateful to the breadcrumbs others give me sometimes. I am no longer satisfied with breadcrumbs. I want so much more than them in life. I don’t want to live a life expecting nothing due to stigma and judgement of others. I know how it is put there though. I get tired just doing social interaction and when I get tired I can’t always make the right decisions. That is what happened to make my friend fall out with me. I got tired over christmas, had wine and my decision to try to fix their life issue ended up sounding like an idea from make a wish foundation. I could have not told them about it and we still would be friends… but I just can’t keep my mouth shut to my own advantage. Anyway, they blocked me on my backup account so now I know that it is over forever… final outcome no second chances. I did tell myself that I wouldn’t be upset but I literally have started feeling tearful. Maybe it isn’t a loss. They might have walked away for something else if it hadn’t been what I did. I evidently meant nothing to them if they can ditch me so easily anyway. I want my time back that I spent building the friendship. That is what hurts the most now. I can’t get the wasted time back. I don’t like putting effort in only to find that it isn’t appreciated. I am heartbroken for that reason. I thought that I had someone who would be a long term fixture in my life and I could see past all the questionable (red flags) things about them because that is what you do if you are in a friendship. Then it fell apart and they were breadcrumbing me before it went bad. Part of why I made the decision to try fix their life was to be more appreciated and be given more than the bare minimum back. They caused what happened in a round about way. Anyway, I have to go to sleep now. I have to be up for the electrician that is coming to fix the light fitting which I accidentally hit when shaking out bed covers in the kitchen (clumsy natured).

One thought on “I hate making an effort just to be not appreciated. I am extremely upset.

  1. For some of us, whatever we do, for whatever reason is always wrong. As an expert in failing, I know this all too well. I realise I will likely never gain success because of my curse of failure. I just have to keep on going regardless and hope one day I can find a way to succeed and be right for once.

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