Walked approximately 64 miles this week!

I walked nearly 10 miles today. I have walked about 9 miles a day this week, adding up to a total of 64 miles! I am tired so probably will be going bed early tonight. I am watching killing eve before I go to bed. Mister has just cleaned himself and is now watch tv too. I am not sure if he knows what he is watching or he just wants to watch moving pictures. I am off to the gym tomorrow to do weight machines before going to relatives for sunday lunch.

Today has been ok.

I only has about two hours sleep this morning. I did half my walk and had to go back home because I needed to be in for the light fitting to be replaced. I need to not swing things in the air because I am just too accident prone. I broke it so the letting agency would have asked me to pay for it even if I had reported it as a repair. If I break something it is only fair for me to pay for it to be fixed. The fitting was really old though so it didn’t take much to break. I shouldn’t have been flinging stuff around though. The flat is a lot less of a mess than it was previously. I might colour my hair later if I am not too tired. I got the colour weeks ago but my hair takes a while due to how thick it is. That is why the roots don’t get bleached until it is half way down my hair nowadays. I only lightened ends to put a colour on there.

Why does life do this to me?

I feel that life has always constantly teased me. It shows me a sneak preview of something good that might come in time. Then it suddenly snatches it away. That isn’t fair and after many years it should change. I give all that I have to people and everything that I do. That just never makes a difference. I either burn out or mess it up. Either way things just fall apart and it is soul destroying in the long term. I don’t do autism traditionally or normal properly. I am somewhere in the middle so no one understands me. I feel like things get handed to me but cruelly snatched away as soon as I value them. It isn’t fair. I just wanted my own family and a lot of other things but never got to have it.

I just can’t sleep tonight :(

I am tired and have tried to sleep but my emotional trauma is keeping me awake. The way my ex friend is treating me is making me feel sick. That is how they put the stress into me. I try my best… that is never good enough. Then I can’t sleep because the way it affects my emotions keeps me awake. The trauma of rejection is very deep rooted in me. The way I am is a constant risk that further rejection is going to add to trauma. The other person is keeping me awake indirectly due to that. The way it affects me is annoying. I probably won’t sleep properly again unless the other person is my friend again. That is a temporary fix for the current layer of trauma but I have several layers from my past. There is a part of me that wants to just walk in front of a car because I feel the world just doesn’t want me. The other half is too chicken to do the suicide route. I always seem to be there for others when they’re down and having a hard time but those same people never return the favour when the shoe is on the other foot.

I hate making an effort just to be not appreciated. I am extremely upset.

I promised myself that I would not get upset. I need to be a player so I had to stay in the mindset of whatever to be that person on a permanent basis. That is how you need to become as an autistic so that rejection no longer hurts. That is what we get 99% of our lives for things that we can’t change. I have to learn to expect nothing and be grateful to the breadcrumbs others give me sometimes. I am no longer satisfied with breadcrumbs. I want so much more than them in life. I don’t want to live a life expecting nothing due to stigma and judgement of others. I know how it is put there though. I get tired just doing social interaction and when I get tired I can’t always make the right decisions. That is what happened to make my friend fall out with me. I got tired over christmas, had wine and my decision to try to fix their life issue ended up sounding like an idea from make a wish foundation. I could have not told them about it and we still would be friends… but I just can’t keep my mouth shut to my own advantage. Anyway, they blocked me on my backup account so now I know that it is over forever… final outcome no second chances. I did tell myself that I wouldn’t be upset but I literally have started feeling tearful. Maybe it isn’t a loss. They might have walked away for something else if it hadn’t been what I did. I evidently meant nothing to them if they can ditch me so easily anyway. I want my time back that I spent building the friendship. That is what hurts the most now. I can’t get the wasted time back. I don’t like putting effort in only to find that it isn’t appreciated. I am heartbroken for that reason. I thought that I had someone who would be a long term fixture in my life and I could see past all the questionable (red flags) things about them because that is what you do if you are in a friendship. Then it fell apart and they were breadcrumbing me before it went bad. Part of why I made the decision to try fix their life was to be more appreciated and be given more than the bare minimum back. They caused what happened in a round about way. Anyway, I have to go to sleep now. I have to be up for the electrician that is coming to fix the light fitting which I accidentally hit when shaking out bed covers in the kitchen (clumsy natured).