I hate this time of year.

I know that others won’t understand why I hate the time of year when the weather is getting warmer and the daylight is longer. This time of year is my son’s birthday. He will be 10 on 16th April. Grieving for someone who is still alive but legally you can’t have anything to do with due to adoption is much harder than losing someone to death. I can find acceptance easily and quite quickly when someone dies because that is natural. The situation I was put in with my son’s adoption was far from natural. It goes against nature and deeply damages you as a person. I have trued to repair myself but I won’t ever be the same again. The trauma of what happened has changed me forever. I also can’t believe he is 10 already. I feel old now. The last decade has gone so fast. It hurts that he won’t even remember me from the last time I saw him at 14 months old. I gave birth to him but I am a stranger now, nothing to him.