This is a topic that I was going to cover at some point but after tonight’s coronation street with the social worker walking in to tell Abi to manage her expectations (in other words – lower your expectations because of how society categorises you – let’s not pretend otherwise here). This is loosely related to that as I was someone with a disability who lost their baby to social ’care’ ’help’ involvement. These things do trigger me but that is a good thing in this case because I kept forgetting to post on the topic as I keep getting extremely tired. I am obviously involved in the disabled community, met a lot of different people who have disabilities. Many of them are extremely distrustful of social care and absolutely despise social workers. I don’t particular hold them in any favour after how they made my life worse in the guise of support. I have let go of hatred at this point in my life. It is like drinking poison on a daily basis. I decided that it was doing too much harm to me. I had a conversation recently where a disabled person had been reported to safeguarding and told that team to go away they’d do without support because of previous experiences. That is a wide spread issue in the disabled community now. That shouldn’t be the case. It is potentially dangerous because people definitely aren’t going to be honest before preventable things happen. People are going to suffer due to the current culture. It is harmful to try to not have support. I have been there and ended up in all kinds of mess. I struggle to get things done nowadays because when I do get energy zapped it can be for too long. People might say that I don’t help myself by not taking iron medication but that makes my monthlies ridiculous and then I am out of action for a week every month, two if my iron stores go down a lot due to the amount of bleeding. I could barely stay awake after my last period for at least a fortnight after. I can tell the next one is going to be ridiculous too because I am feeling signs at 5 days until next one is due. There is a lot of bulk around that area which indicates that it is going to come away heavy. We can’t not rely on services sometimes and trying to cope on our own is going to be a disaster waiting to happen in many cases.
I know that I have been quiet over the last few days on here. I don’t have my energy back completely, the flat is still a mess because I’m only doing bits at a time when my energy levels are up. I’ve been trying to sort my medical issues out by going for a blood test on Monday and having a conversation with the assessment consultant for counselling referral. The conclusion from the mental health consultant was that I wasn’t appropriate for their service. I was referred to another service which is mental health related. I am suspected BPD but I have been told that it is beneficial if I get officially diagnosed with the label due to the services not being open to me unless I am in the correct category. I am able to get Autism services but if that isn’t the main issue which affects me then those things will never be appropriate for me. I always say that I am BPD because that is where I feel that I fit more than Autism. I don’t really think that I am Autistic, well it is a very small aspect of me compared to the BPD side. I didn’t want the label. The last time that I was in an assessment I walked out due to the attitude of the forensic psychologist. I didn’t want the label then either.
I have also had some of my blood test results back today. I logged onto my online booking system where it has all the records etc. The iron levels, vitamin b12 and related blood counts has come back. The iron levels part is outside normal range. It is weird, one part is too high and the other looks two low by the readings. Then they have added a telephone appointment to discuss it on 24th March. The thyroid level part hasn’t come back yet. I was told that those tests take a week to come back at the most so it probably hasn’t been checked over by the GP to be added to the system yet. The other part has only just appeared on there today. I’m expecting the other half to appear on there in the next few days. I am going to try to go to the gym later. I am sure that I have gained weight but that is to not be a surprise after last week’s inability to get up and drinking too much alcohol. I feel like I have failed again. It is always like starting all over again after having a binge on alcohol etc. I keep getting really hungry which isn’t helping the weight loss in general.