Day: March 2, 2022

I had the intentions to get up today but mentally I just don’t feel like it. I am comfortable so why move? I didn’t submit that artwork because quite honestly I didn’t like it. I cannot submit stuff that I don’t like to things. It was rushed, not properly planned and a low quality. I might submit something more planned to a future category. I woke up hungry but I don’t actually feel like eating. I found out that the GP is also booking me for an ultrasound because I cannot be referred to any kind of specialist until they find something. The last one I had came up with nothing. Then I am asked to consider taking the mini pill or having the coil. Both can help bleeding but I heard that the coil made things worse for some women. I don’t like the idea of something unnatural inside that part of me. I also want the option to have another child (very important to me as my first child got taken for adoption) at some point. Both the above options take that away. Neither of those things really address the problem. I am also being given different iron tablets again to see if they suit me better. I have been on two different ones now and both made my monthly beyond ridiculous. The self referral led to a phone call later this afternoon that I didn’t pick up due to being asleep. They want to do a phone assessment. I find it difficult to use the phone to speak due to anxiety etc. The blood test is one of those reoccurring things that I find really repetitive. It doesn’t sort anything out long term and getting there will be a nightmare. It is difficult to even get up to do housework and other everyday things at the moment.

I had a text from my GP with a link to referral form for talking therapy. Then an appointment for a blood test… fed up of those things. Talking therapy never worked for me previously and last time I got an assessment appointment for that service over 4 years ago I was told that my Autism made the service inappropriate for me. I filled it in but I don’t have much hope in that idea. I will probably be on the list years before being offered an appointment anyway. I have got so fed up of blood tests since being diagnosed with anaemia. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be touched by needles. I just need to rest and hopefully feel better at some point.

I was okish before daylight. I started to feel so depressed at just the thought of being awake for the day. It fills me with anxiety and feels overwhelming. I may not want the friendship back that fell apart but it’s had a huge impact on my health. I am more depressed than I have been in a long time. I have the worse sleep patterns right now. I can’t sleep for more than a few hours. I am unsettled mentally even when I can’t feel that I am. I don’t feel like I get sleep because I wake up feeling so crap. I can’t keep not getting up some days it’s making me fatter. I am losing eyelashes again. I don’t see daylight enough. I am wrecked and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I seem to give so much but not get any returns. I am broken. I started questioning reality last night. What if mental illness has made me see stuff in the past which wasn’t really there? I saw something on psychosis and it really got me worried. What if I can’t trust what my eyes see? I wouldn’t know if I was seeing stuff? I could have a screwed up brain and not even be aware.

We all didn’t do a lot today. I didn’t even go outside. I had pj’s on all day. I just changed into another set after my bath this evening. I feel better for the rest. It is difficult trying to keep up with the gym while feeling drained and just crappy a lot. I don’t get to rest tomorrow (well, today now as it is 3 am). The artwork has to be finished and submitted by 5 pm (also have to be camera ready for video we have to attach too). I gave the cats the night off which is why they haven’t appeared in any TikTok videos this evening. Mister is asleep on the pillow next to me and mimi fell asleep on the sofa. I am nearly asleep. I can sleep a lot better since letting go of being wound up. I no longer want to repair the friendship that ended so no longer wound up or sad about it. I liked them but I don’t want to be treated like I mean nothing and bread crumbed when they can be bothered to give rather than just take in the friendship. I don’t need that and I don’t want that. They’ll never change because they can’t see how they treated me. I don’t even think they care about me as a friend or about how they treated me. So now I am walking away.