Fighting the struggle, not sure which side is winning.

I am just about to go the gym for a bit. I probably won’t do a lot as today has been one hell of a struggle. I constantly kept falling asleep. I was feeling very bloated and uncomfortable too. I am told by my app that I am supposed to be ovulating so it is probably hormonal. If any of the stuff that was making my monthly heavy last month is still hanging around its going to be an inner battle in that area. I know that I don’t do myself any favours by sleeping a lot but I couldn’t summon the energy to get up for days. I have been knocked out more days than been able to function awake. I know it isn’t helping my weight so I am trying to keep the gym sessions happening as much as possible. I was so tired earlier that I just wanted to cry. I have things to do. I have to phone the council about the latest on rent and living situation. I want to do artwork for the series of graysons art club which starts soon. Artwork doesn’t take a few hours. I take at least a week to complete my detailed stuff (my preferred style). I will try to stay at the gym for an hour minimum depending on if I am feeling ok. I didn’t eat before I went out because I just have no appetite either. I do get hungry but the key to losing weight is only eat when hunger feeling comes on, not boredom or emotional triggers. That takes practice but I finally got the hang of it.

Truth bomb.

I am quite pissed off right now because I had just fallen asleep and the cat woke me up wanting to come inside. He is still being a pain by making chirpy noises and strolling around being destructive. I am hoping that he has an energy dip and falls asleep because that will mean I can sleep in peace for the next 6 hours (once asleep both cats don’t stir for many hours).

I feel like releasing a truth bomb. l won’t try to be brutal but honest because I cannot pretend any longer. I am not doing myself or anyone else any favours by remaining passive and sorry for my part in things. The other person will never reflect on their own actions if the truth bomb isn’t told. I only did what I did because I wanted a bit of give on their side of the friendship to me. I was giving everything while they just took. I thought that if I tried to help by talking to their son it would heal something between them and that in turn would also make them appreciate me. They were getting more distant before going offline during Christmas. I was feeling like they were just taking, didn’t appreciate me and that I meant nothing as a friend. I knew that the only thing I could possibly do to get them to appreciate me was try to fix a connection that they valued. Instead, I found out that I was never going to mean anything to them. They referred to me as a stranger during our last message etc before telling me to basically go away forever. The things that were said hurt me a lot. I have held back on the complete reasons behind my actions because I was hoping my worse fears about this other person wasn’t true. I am now realising that they used me. They never planned to really meet up with me at some point and certainly had no intention of ever giving back in the friendship.