I realise that I haven’t said anything productive for the last few days because I have been top tired to string sentences together. I feel up to writing a topic now. I often totally baffle others when it comes to how I view things. I intend to do the same now.
There is a vast amount of people who refer to others as narcissists. I am not denying that some people most definitely fall into that category with absolutely no excuses. I don’t see it as straight forward as other people portray. Let me point out before I go any further that narcissists are not in the same league as psychopaths / sociopaths. That part of the spectrum will not be covered in this article. I am of this opinion due to my own experiences of having mental health issues alongside autism. I was extremely verging on being a narcissist when I was younger. I always wanted the attention. I would lie to get it. I didn’t care about what others wanted or their needs as long as I got what I wanted. I would get extremely angry when I was denied those things. I would go from 0 to revenge mode like the flip of a switch. I have become less that way as I have got older. I am literally too tired to do anger nowadays. I do feel that narcissistic traits can be an indicator of mental health problems. I always knew that I was autistic since being diagnosed at 16. The trauma I suffered through school from bullies and never really achieving much stuck with me. It got under my skin and stuck with me.
I get told that I refuse to see the bad in people. That may get me hurt quite a lot but I do it for a reason. There are so many more layers than what we can see. If someone had been the way I am in my past then things may have worked out for me differently. I can’t fix others problems (tried and failed many times) but if I can try to shift things for them so that it may work out for them then I try my best. Sometimes things are already too messed up to improve. I can’t erase the past actions of others, just like I can’t mine. I only just forgave people in my past due to no longer having the energy to hold onto things. I wouldn’t have done so if I was still younger and full of energy. I don’t have excess energy to deal with bad feelings from the past. I don’t think I will ever recover from how the events of my past tore me down to what I am today. I probably will die off in a couple of years, 35 (I am that in October) is the average life expectancy for those with autism and/or learning disabilities. I will be grateful for another 10 years but going by how I feel now I probably won’t get to live longer than average. I am definitely going to hell when I die.