I don’t feel like my life is my own. I woke up to my mother ringing my landline number repeatedly to wake me up. I feel really sick today but she needs my help with the car so I have to go over. I don’t have to cook food but I am still fed up. It stresses me out so much! I have stuff to do here which I am finding is like climbing a mountain on a daily basis. The extra stuff elsewhere just makes it harder. I haven’t had much sleep (probably only 2 hours). She also woke the cats up by repeatedly ringing landline which meant I had them running around my feet expecting their breakfast while getting my own. I am overwhelmed before I even begin my day!
I just can’t sleep at night and constantly sleep/wake all day so barely getting any proper sleep. I have no control how certain situations are affecting me. I have had the fact that I have to move when they sell this place in the near future keeping me awake for a while now. That isn’t doing me any good but I have been looking to find somewhere else. There is still a worry while I am on a rolling contract. I am supposed to get 3 months notice (sometimes they do 2 months) but finding a place affordable is proving difficult. The ones that are the lower end of rent scale get snapped up before I get a chance. Moving is a huge task in itself. There is furniture like my wardrobe that I don’t know how we will get out. We had to take it apart last time and someone else who is no longer living around here has to build it back up for us. I know that it has to be done but I am dreading it. The cats have never known anywhere else so getting them settled will be quite difficult.
On a whole other level… somewhat more is the thing that happened with my friend. Well, I thought they were my friend. I feel so lost and unsure of myself now they have cut me off. This situation is keeping me awake a lot more. I am hurting at being cast aside like I meant nothing after what I did for them. I checked up on them every day to see if they were ok. I sent them something and I genuinely cared. I feel like a fool for wasting my time on a friendship that was never going anywhere. I look back after it all blew up and ended, only then did I realise that they bread crumbed me. They never really gave me enough. I always gave them more than they ever offered me back. I really thought it was meant to be as soon as we started communicating. I felt an instant connection. Obviously, they never gave a shit about any sort of connection. It is hurting me really deeply. I tried to help, my actions weren’t malicious. I feel like they did the equivalent of chucking me in the bin. People only do that to rubbish that meant nothing to them. That destroys me after all the effort I put in.
I realise that I haven’t said anything productive for the last few days because I have been top tired to string sentences together. I feel up to writing a topic now. I often totally baffle others when it comes to how I view things. I intend to do the same now.
There is a vast amount of people who refer to others as narcissists. I am not denying that some people most definitely fall into that category with absolutely no excuses. I don’t see it as straight forward as other people portray. Let me point out before I go any further that narcissists are not in the same league as psychopaths / sociopaths. That part of the spectrum will not be covered in this article. I am of this opinion due to my own experiences of having mental health issues alongside autism. I was extremely verging on being a narcissist when I was younger. I always wanted the attention. I would lie to get it. I didn’t care about what others wanted or their needs as long as I got what I wanted. I would get extremely angry when I was denied those things. I would go from 0 to revenge mode like the flip of a switch. I have become less that way as I have got older. I am literally too tired to do anger nowadays. I do feel that narcissistic traits can be an indicator of mental health problems. I always knew that I was autistic since being diagnosed at 16. The trauma I suffered through school from bullies and never really achieving much stuck with me. It got under my skin and stuck with me.
I get told that I refuse to see the bad in people. That may get me hurt quite a lot but I do it for a reason. There are so many more layers than what we can see. If someone had been the way I am in my past then things may have worked out for me differently. I can’t fix others problems (tried and failed many times) but if I can try to shift things for them so that it may work out for them then I try my best. Sometimes things are already too messed up to improve. I can’t erase the past actions of others, just like I can’t mine. I only just forgave people in my past due to no longer having the energy to hold onto things. I wouldn’t have done so if I was still younger and full of energy. I don’t have excess energy to deal with bad feelings from the past. I don’t think I will ever recover from how the events of my past tore me down to what I am today. I probably will die off in a couple of years, 35 (I am that in October) is the average life expectancy for those with autism and/or learning disabilities. I will be grateful for another 10 years but going by how I feel now I probably won’t get to live longer than average. I am definitely going to hell when I die.