I didn’t sit in this evening feeling sorry for myself.

I went to the gym tonight. I won’t sit in and feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel too well but I lifted some weights which weren’t so heavy. I pushed myself to my limits which I could reach today. I don’t have my strength back yet. I still need to push myself as far as I physically can manage so that my progress isn’t totally lost. I had a healthy main meal before coming out and drank (non alcoholic) fluids so I am built up as much as possible. I am still not feeling 100% but that won’t happen until iron levels etc go back up. I got a few bits from the supermarket next door so I can focus on sorting out the mess and dirt that is currently consuming my flat tomorrow on my rest day. I am going to try to see daylight for at least a few hours tomorrow… hopefully.

I can’t pretend anymore.

I have tried to not be affected but I can’t hide it. This is subconsciously destroying me in the background in between life stuff. I am deeply cut up by what happened with my friend at Christmas and the fact they they now won’t speak to me since then. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction that they are getting into my head. I haven’t seen daylight in days due to my sleep being all over the place. I am sure the stress of it all had an impact on the severity of my monthly issues (that has happened before when things have happened in the past). This is a huge weight on me while we haven’t been talking. I want a fresh start with them because it is extremely stressful for me the way things are at the moment. I hate myself enough for crossing the line. I can’t take it back. I also shouldn’t be punished any longer. I will never pull any shit like that again if I am given another chance. I misjudged the situation because I didn’t take into account the history that I didn’t know. I need a chance for the sake of my own wellbeing.

Woke up feeling sad at 3 am.

I fell asleep quite quickly but woke up at a stupid hour. 3 am! I decided to have breakfast at 4 am because I was hungry. I regret that now due to feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I had the most random dream before I woke up. I was working at computers for a Chinese woman who looked a bit like a messy version of that news reporter character from family guy. I got told off for having an account on linkedin with lots of personal dms. I was denied payment for my work. I asked if I could use a new account which I hadn’t used for personal messages. The woman was behind a screen and misheard me. Her answer was something like ’You can add me on these things but I will be busy at the bedside of my sick alcoholic mother’ and that ’you came here for love not work’. Then I was asked to chose whether I was better working day or night. Then I agreed to working the next night. That was when I woke up. The dream didn’t make sense. That dream made no sense but they aren’t always clear cut.

On the subject of love though. I am really missing how my friend made me feel when we were still talking. I need to be cheered up after the last few days. It will help me feel better if they spoke to me again. I am not trying to manipulate. It would genuinely help if they spoke to me because I need a lift after days of feeling extremely awful.

Cutting alcohol to help sleep properly.

I had a drink last night when I got home. Then I couldn’t sleep, so tonight I haven’t had alcohol. I feel less wired and more relaxed so should sleep soon. I feel self conscious about my weight so am refusing to step on a scale or measure myself for at least a month when hopefully I have made a lot of progress. I stepped on that scale once and it went up 2lbs … that has led to this avoidance. I do NOT want to see that again for a while. I cannot deal with it. I get angry with myself when I do not progress or relapse into weight gain in this case. I am extremely strict and hard with myself. I tell myself that being this size is not me. I look too chunky when larger due to being naturally curvy and short. I have probably put myself back to being larger again due to having to rest completely for a few days. I need to ease back into the gym tomorrow after doing what I need to at home.