Please do not assume and spread that when you don’t know me.

I am very aware that the likes of TikTok is full of bitching and stirring. I just want to put how I feel forward so that anyone negatively discussing me with the friend I fell out with are proven to be doing that kind of crap. I am not perfect. I have a past but that isn’t me now. I only want to be happy with no shit going on nowadays. I don’t want the friendship to have ended for good. Most people in this life genuinely do not give a shit about someone else when they are supposedly friends. That happens all the time as an adult due to most of them being able to fake feelings. I assure everyone that those doing the shit stirring and name bashing are those exact types. I never faked my feelings. I truly cared and I miss being in communication with Sam. I am holding back on how it has truly affected me. I am more broken underneath than I show. I am getting exhausted trying to do normal right now. I may seem like I am blasé about this and what happened but it is difficult ok. Do not get involved. You will just antagonise the other party into hating me forever and never speaking to me again! That will have a drastic effect on my mental health which is going downhill after what has happened already. Sam was special to me. I have no choice in the way I feel ok. I may have never truly been in love but it still causes me emotional distress. The longer the silence between us that seems to increase. I put a brave face on but I am broken inside. That friendship we had online was building me back up and when it broke down (yes it was my fault and the self hatred levels have never been higher) I started regressing back to how broken I was before we got to know each other. So please can others shut the fuck up about things they cannot feel.

I’m not doing great today.

I just got up to do a few things but I am not dressed yet. The cat is having mad zoomies around the flat because he is bored. He has just learned how to open the bathroom door which is annoying. I have such bad skin today. Itchy and sensitive. I think that my scalp needs even washing in that therapeutic shampoo again. I also have scabby ears… that is a regular thing though. I do wash them and keep moisturiser on them but it just barely goes away. That is what annoys me about my skin issues. I am not a dirty person. I bathe every single day. I admit that I don’t religiously moisturise but I don’t completely neglect that either. Body brushing has helped but not completely solved the issues. I am also struggling with severe tiredness at the moment. I fell asleep after that freaky thing happened this morning despite also being able to sleep last night. I just seem to fall asleep for hours at a time because the wave of exhaustion hits me like a brick. Under normal circumstances after experiencing what happened earlier (see previous blog post), I would have got up … I was too worn out to do that. I have woken up tired too. It isn’t just physical tiredness, my emotions are also affected. I am literally too tired to care about anything. I just had enough of the stress which life brings. I have reached my switch where I just turn off. I have no more f*cks to give, no effort can be given with so little energy right now. I may be able to get it back fleetingly but not today. I do still miss my friend (probably never going to be a friend again) who isn’t talking to me but emotionally I am too drained to feel anything enough for their actions to hurt me anymore. I would love for them to message me again but too tired to show that I care right now. I am disconnected with myself at the moment.

I took my medication this morning, so I know this was real!

I had barely been awake half an hour early this morning eating my breakfast. Then something spooky happened. There is no other person living with me and the cats were no where near what occurred. Mister had been chattering to the wall last night while chilled out on the ironing board. I didn’t take a lot of notice because he does that to spiders etc. I just assumed that he could see a spider which I couldn’t. I have taken my medication so I know that what I saw was absolutely real. The way my glass of water fell off the bedside table was like it had been swiped off rather than chucked. However, where it landed was odd. All the water went in one direction and the empty glass landed in the opposite direction like it had been kicked after it fell to the floor. Has someone I know passed away recently and trying to get my attention? Have I pissed off someone who passed away recently? Or is this just a random energy (spirit) from outside that may have followed me home maybe last night? Either way I don’t really want anything else happening.

Here is the video to illustrate what I am trying to explain.

So this freaked me out a bit…

Rest day wasn’t entirely a ‘rest’.

I barely slept last night due to my head being full if thoughts. I forgot my medication today but that didn’t cause my issues last night due to taking it yesterday. I fell asleep for most of the day because I finally got tired enough to pass out into a deep sleep for a few hours. I went for a long walk when I did wake up because the storm had gone over by that point. The cats still won’t go out because they don’t like the wind that is left over. I tried to upload some videos onto TikTok (thehumancat2021); however they were taken in the dark due to me not really being awake during daylight hours today. I don’t have the latest iphone with the night video photography capabilities so the footage taken at night is always grainy. I am feeling a lot better now that my monthly has gone back to normal. It has managed to finish at the point it was supposed to do which I didn’t expect because yesterday the indications were signalling the opposite.