I am still awake at 3am. I watched catch up tv on my phone for a while. I had a few drinks to chill out after getting home from the gym. I am unhappy at the moment. I miss my friend and cut up over the friendship being over forever. That is why I literally wasn’t able to get out of bed yesterday. Things hit me hard, as I previously stated. I can’t just get over things. I feel so lost and not myself since the friendship ended. That has become more apparent since the weeks have passed. I am emotionally exhausted from forcing myself to move on. I am hurting so much while dragging myself through the days. I truly fell in love and ruined it… like I always do. I hate myself! I ruin everything that is good because I am too socially clumsy. I don’t even know how to not ruin things. I am truly a walking disaster. I need the other person. Emotionally I am falling apart without them in my life. It is so pathetic but this is what trauma does to a person. If they ever cared they would come back but they have shown by their silence that they never cared. I am and never was of any value to them. That hurts me even more after I put so much effort in. I feel like I wasted my time on a friendship that was never going to last because the other person just used me for what I sent them etc.