I can’t not see a doctor any longer.

I keep track of my monthlies due to issues I have had and still get sometimes. Well, this months they are acting really odd. They started off spotting and I assumed that this is all I was going to get… wrong, without going into too much detail it went into flood mode 2 days ago. I have managed to control it with medication but that didn’t do much. I have now been on nearly a week and should normally be near the end of the cycle now. It is showing no sign of that ending yet. It is still acting like it is on the 2nd or 3rd day. I am that bloated that I look pregnant. I am getting pains like there is going to be another flood (women reading this will know that feeling). I can’t go on like this anymore… it was getting more controlled but now it has gone absolutely insane. I got that tired I could barely keep my eyes open yesterday for most of the day to the point I was effectively stuck to my bed for hours. That must mean that my iron levels are low. If I take supplements to bring it back up then these symptoms get ten times worse and it gets painful. The GP has fobbed me off for years but I have had enough of it when it decides to be this way.

Well my position still isn’t safe long term.

I spoke to the letting agent regarding the notification of rent increase yesterday. I still do not have a stable position as I am on a rolling contract which legally gives me only 8 weeks notice (2 months ) to move out if landlord makes the decision to sell to someone who isn’t buying it for purposes of renting. I don’t feel very confident with the situation. I woke up feeling like crap today due to having a migraine (also may have a cold because my sinuses are bunged up). I will do a covid test just in case but at one point we all have to start trusting that we just have a cold without using tests. I have snapped hair all on one side too. I don’t know why it does that. The other side is fine. This is exactly why I can’t dye my hair (well bleach mostly). I want my hair lighter so I have to make the sacrifice. I wouldn’t mind but I only bleached it once recently. I didn’t keep redoing it. I always tie the ends at the sides away from my face to prevent breakages. Stress probably doesn’t help. I have gained a load of weight since I got really stressed about having to move etc.

Late night.

I am still awake at 3am. I watched catch up tv on my phone for a while. I had a few drinks to chill out after getting home from the gym. I am unhappy at the moment. I miss my friend and cut up over the friendship being over forever. That is why I literally wasn’t able to get out of bed yesterday. Things hit me hard, as I previously stated. I can’t just get over things. I feel so lost and not myself since the friendship ended. That has become more apparent since the weeks have passed. I am emotionally exhausted from forcing myself to move on. I am hurting so much while dragging myself through the days. I truly fell in love and ruined it… like I always do. I hate myself! I ruin everything that is good because I am too socially clumsy. I don’t even know how to not ruin things. I am truly a walking disaster. I need the other person. Emotionally I am falling apart without them in my life. It is so pathetic but this is what trauma does to a person. If they ever cared they would come back but they have shown by their silence that they never cared. I am and never was of any value to them. That hurts me even more after I put so much effort in. I feel like I wasted my time on a friendship that was never going to last because the other person just used me for what I sent them etc.