Sometimes it just hits you about how unhappy you truly are…

I probably feel this way because I literally wasn’t able to leave my home yesterday due to monthly issues. I took a tablet for the issue and had a decent sleep. I still woke up feeling miserable and haven’t had alcohol so it isn’t the after affects of that. I intuitively picked up that my friend was never going to speak to me again. Then I started thinking what is the point to anything anymore then? I have been only getting through the day with alcohol in the evenings and the hope that they would come around in time. That not being a thing any longer is crushing me right now. I messed up the most hopeful friendship that had happened in a long time and I hate myself for that so much. What is the point in living … days are just pointless if basically it is just existing in emotional pain for many years until I die. I don’t want to do that. I missed out on so much due to my autism etc. I never used to let that bother me but I do now that I am getting older. I have been knocked down by trauma too much to have energy to do things. I just feel drained of everything that I was as a person before what I went through in my life. I am like an empty shell now. I started to be able to feel emotions again after I met my friend. I began to feel like I was coming back as the person I was in little bits. I even began to truly smile again instead of my fake smile. That has slowly disappeared since they walked away. I have ended up that trauma induced emotionally empty shell I was for years before randomly meeting them.