Today has been mixed.

I woke up feeling absolutely horrendous so was stuck to my bed for the rest of the day with a combination of depression and hormonal issues. I had to get myself up as I needed to go get a few bits from the shop and the cats are fed 3 times a day now (no extra food now due to mister getting overweight). The cats weren’t happy with me and I felt so bad for being in bed most of the day. I went to the gym this evening. I stepped in a puddle so ended up with a wet foot all evening (kind of tops off my day with the general vibe of f this sh*t). I have scabs in my ears again which is a reoccurring issue doing my head in. I think I had some good news though. I got a letter from the estate agent which I think means the landlord has decided to put up the rent and not sell right now. I need to check but it is going up at the new contract year so it reads like that… I am going to have to check as it is too important to make assumptions. I don’t know for sure that I will get a new contract. I won’t know that until very close to the end of the current one.

Sometimes it just hits you about how unhappy you truly are…

I probably feel this way because I literally wasn’t able to leave my home yesterday due to monthly issues. I took a tablet for the issue and had a decent sleep. I still woke up feeling miserable and haven’t had alcohol so it isn’t the after affects of that. I intuitively picked up that my friend was never going to speak to me again. Then I started thinking what is the point to anything anymore then? I have been only getting through the day with alcohol in the evenings and the hope that they would come around in time. That not being a thing any longer is crushing me right now. I messed up the most hopeful friendship that had happened in a long time and I hate myself for that so much. What is the point in living … days are just pointless if basically it is just existing in emotional pain for many years until I die. I don’t want to do that. I missed out on so much due to my autism etc. I never used to let that bother me but I do now that I am getting older. I have been knocked down by trauma too much to have energy to do things. I just feel drained of everything that I was as a person before what I went through in my life. I am like an empty shell now. I started to be able to feel emotions again after I met my friend. I began to feel like I was coming back as the person I was in little bits. I even began to truly smile again instead of my fake smile. That has slowly disappeared since they walked away. I have ended up that trauma induced emotionally empty shell I was for years before randomly meeting them.