Today is depressing me :(

I should be out of bed but I just feel yuck today. I am sure that it is more about valentines day upsetting me than proper illness. Yes. I always feel like crap on monthly but this is a deep sadness. I really wanted my friend who ditched me due to the stupid interfering in their life that I did. I hope for a message from them every single day. I get crushed every day when I don’t end up receiving a message. I feel crushed about it on a day where love is celebrated. I loved them in my twisted autistic way. The only way I can being autistic and bpd. I would rather we just be friends rather than not talking. I am not ready for a relationship and they were affected from their previous ones. Anything is better than this painful silence between us. It cuts me like a knife and really triggers my abandonment issues. I am suffering but they don’t care and they obviously never had any kind of feelings for me or they would talk to me knowing how much I hurt over it.