I can’t sleep again. Gym session also catching up with me.

I can’t sleep due to my pattern being a mess at the moment. I am slightly too uncomfortable to sleep yet. I am off to the gym tomorrow (well later today now) so hoping this passes. I have those muscle twinges that aren’t painful but uncomfortable. I can at least feel them toning up which shows that my efforts are working. I think that I may have upset my monthly, still spotting after 3 days nearly. I am guessing that this is probably all I will get this month. I am not relaxing yet otherwise it probably will catch me out. That happens when I think that it will be fine and then … bang, the flood comes on like a tap going all over me and potentially causing me embarrassment if I am out. I would rather it be light but that has never been my pattern. I suppose that now I am fitter and stronger with everything tighter in the muscle department that could change as that area will be more supported.

I was being productive while awake. I looked up art courses and other creative stuff types of courses. I want to do something that is less harsh on my brain. I won’t have to be academic which I have already discovered is too stressful for my brain. The adult courses are always in the evenings and not in depth which is not what I am looking for ideally. £50 a course too which is £100 alone if I took creative writing and the art course. I am too old to take the art related college courses as they all seem really young to me as a nearly 35 year old. I just don’t even feel like the same generation as teenagers and people in their early 20s now. I didn’t feel so out of place as someone in their late 20s mixing with teenagers in a class because I was probably still mentally that age at that point of my life. I recently feel like I have reached a new level of maturity where I cannot relate to the average college age group now. I actually feel like I have matured mentally a decade or so over my age nowadays. I am seriously like a middle aged woman now. I like peace and quiet, simple surroundings and avoiding stress (avoiding people who are the source of stress in general). I am happy with my two cats, a cuppa and alcohol while watching corrie. I walk to relax and go the gym to get rid of the excess flab which has clung on due to age and bad habits. I haven’t been on holiday for years and I live my daily life like I am in retirement. It is boring but trauma makes you want to live a safe, non risky predictable life. Nothing can ever go wrong adding to the trauma if every day is the same. That is how to avoid the majority of unexpected trauma.

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