I should be out of bed but I just feel yuck today. I am sure that it is more about valentines day upsetting me than proper illness. Yes. I always feel like crap on monthly but this is a deep sadness. I really wanted my friend who ditched me due to the stupid interfering in their life that I did. I hope for a message from them every single day. I get crushed every day when I don’t end up receiving a message. I feel crushed about it on a day where love is celebrated. I loved them in my twisted autistic way. The only way I can being autistic and bpd. I would rather we just be friends rather than not talking. I am not ready for a relationship and they were affected from their previous ones. Anything is better than this painful silence between us. It cuts me like a knife and really triggers my abandonment issues. I am suffering but they don’t care and they obviously never had any kind of feelings for me or they would talk to me knowing how much I hurt over it.
I can’t sleep due to my pattern being a mess at the moment. I am slightly too uncomfortable to sleep yet. I am off to the gym tomorrow (well later today now) so hoping this passes. I have those muscle twinges that aren’t painful but uncomfortable. I can at least feel them toning up which shows that my efforts are working. I think that I may have upset my monthly, still spotting after 3 days nearly. I am guessing that this is probably all I will get this month. I am not relaxing yet otherwise it probably will catch me out. That happens when I think that it will be fine and then … bang, the flood comes on like a tap going all over me and potentially causing me embarrassment if I am out. I would rather it be light but that has never been my pattern. I suppose that now I am fitter and stronger with everything tighter in the muscle department that could change as that area will be more supported.
I was being productive while awake. I looked up art courses and other creative stuff types of courses. I want to do something that is less harsh on my brain. I won’t have to be academic which I have already discovered is too stressful for my brain. The adult courses are always in the evenings and not in depth which is not what I am looking for ideally. £50 a course too which is £100 alone if I took creative writing and the art course. I am too old to take the art related college courses as they all seem really young to me as a nearly 35 year old. I just don’t even feel like the same generation as teenagers and people in their early 20s now. I didn’t feel so out of place as someone in their late 20s mixing with teenagers in a class because I was probably still mentally that age at that point of my life. I recently feel like I have reached a new level of maturity where I cannot relate to the average college age group now. I actually feel like I have matured mentally a decade or so over my age nowadays. I am seriously like a middle aged woman now. I like peace and quiet, simple surroundings and avoiding stress (avoiding people who are the source of stress in general). I am happy with my two cats, a cuppa and alcohol while watching corrie. I walk to relax and go the gym to get rid of the excess flab which has clung on due to age and bad habits. I haven’t been on holiday for years and I live my daily life like I am in retirement. It is boring but trauma makes you want to live a safe, non risky predictable life. Nothing can ever go wrong adding to the trauma if every day is the same. That is how to avoid the majority of unexpected trauma.
I have been single for every valentines day of my life. The day is simply just another one to struggle through for me. I can’t miss what I never had. If I did manage to get into a relationship for at least one day it would be alien to me. On behalf of all of us who are most likely going to be single for life due to whatever reason… I rename today as singles day as a symbol of resistance toward the over commercialisation of the concept of love to sell products which they give to people who most likely ditch them or reject them at some point. This day makes people extremely depressed if they have no one. I used to feel so left out as a younger person. I have started to give less of a damn since I got older. I learnt that the world we live in is a construction of a reality seen as ideal when very few living people have that reality. This constructed reality isn’t the way it is for all of us. I am totally fed up with what is supposed to be. It is what it is. Quit the lovey dovey stuff !