Been working hard at the gym again.

After the way I looked in the TikTok video with my love heart pjs on I made myself go to the gym tonight. I know that my bloat is only there at certain times of the month and when my monthly gets heavier it will most likely disappear because all the excess lining and fluid will have gone. I just know that I can get small and toned enough for it to not look so tubby. I may even help that issue a bit by shedding excess fat which I do not need around an area that is troublesome without the excess weight. If it is caused by excess lining growing which doesn’t come out then it might help if I try to shed it away while exercising. It doesn’t always work but if it does then my monthly issues wouldn’t be as bad. I have hip ache on what I call my dodgy side. I injured my knee and ankle nearly a decade apart on my left side. That gets tired faster than the rest of my body. I finally got my knee to stop swelling up when the gp drained my kneecap 5 years ago. It was full of manky yellow stuff that had probably been there since my early 20s when I injured it. I only injured my ankle on that side last year so I have had to be careful. I managed to strengthen my muscles on that side so nothing slips into unnatural positions while working out. If it is too firm to move around then its highly unlikely to be injured again. I have probably injured my hip on that side now. I am just accident prone. I bounce and heal quite quickly most of the time, my ankle and knee took quite a long time to fully recover but generally when I have built back muscle I get over injury quite well.

I know everything. I knew there was something dodgy.

I had my intuition nagging me for a long time way before the friendship ended due to what I did. I just didn’t want to believe it at that point because things were making me feel happy. I hadn’t been happy for a long time so that was important to me. They couldn’t have walked away from the friendship if their feelings were real toward me. I feel like a complete fool. I opened up to them. I began to relax with them. I haven’t been able to relax in years. Then I find out that I was being discussed behind my back. I didn’t want that because the things I told them were private. They actually tripped themselves up when saying they weren’t neurodivergent. Borderline personality disorder (their supposed diagnosis) is a neurodivergent brain type. They lied so much about who they were as a person that it feels like I actually never knew them at all. Their address was most probably the only solid true fact that they gave me. The other so called facts seemed to always be a little manipulated. I haven’t been out my flat since I found out which is probably an indication of how much it has emotionally crippled me. I thought that I had finally found a friend that I was settled around… that turned out the person faked who they were. I thought that what I did ruined the friendship but it seems that they were stringing me along and would have found an excuse to ghost me when they got bored.

Hormones really pushing it today.

I have woken up with the worse skin. I could barely sleep last night and my hair has just gone completely dry brittle even putting oil through it. I also need to cut the alcohol again because it became a problem affecting my sleep etc quite quickly again. I can do moderation for a few days and then I just over do it. I am going to have to quit for good. On the monthly itself… opposite issue from normal. I am barely getting anything coming out. I suppose that is a lot better than the other extreme. I do fear that I am going through the change early which means that I won’t have the option to have any more children even if the opportunity arose. I am only 35 this year. They still happen but I have never had anything other than on the heavy side. It has been on the very light side a few times now. I know that other health issues can affect that department but I have had so many tests already over a few years. I am autistic so my life doesn’t seem to be a priority due to ableism. If we contact gp’s etc then they fob us off quite a lot. Over the last few years many of us could barely get a phone appointment. I do feel quite rough and something is definitely off but I don’t have the belief that it will ever get diagnosed let alone treated. I have to just live with it. I also don’t have the energy to communicate with any systems right now … it is complicated and draining. I can rest enough to get some energy stored to do things which need doing.

I’m concerned and also slightly petrified that things have gone on behind my back.

I have a feeling that there are things I do not know that was going on behind my back. I have had enough toxic stuff in my life over the years. I don’t feel that I have been kept in the loop when people did talk to me. I don’t trust easily due to my life experiences. I also don’t want to assume that before I messed up anything there were friendships that weren’t actually real. Or things were being said about me behind my back? I feel humiliated despite not knowing any details. I have an intuitive feeling that just doesn’t sit right with me. I am fully aware that no one is perfect. The train wreck of my past is an example that some of us were merely a constant walking disaster (I still can be on a lesser scale). I am afraid of potentially awful things being said behind my back. Others making out that I am someone who I am not. I have moved on but literally petrified that I am being made out to be some kind of terrible person behind my back. People have done it to me in the past and now there are certain people I simply don’t trust due to things that have happened and also things I accidentally found out.

I live a half public life due to the blog but all I ask is that others don’t make assumptions and spread those opinions. Those things tend to end up being seen as the truth by people who do not personally know me. I have one simple request that people refrain from doing that sort of thing.