Day: February 10, 2022

I don’t do love, valentines day or whatever. I am not a killjoy but I just have never been interested in being in a relationship. In that department I effectively a virgin. I had sex a few times but one was merely to get pregnant and the other was a stupid mistake when I was drunk. In both cases I wasn’t in a relationship. I wouldn’t know how and my inexperience would result in messing it up so I just don’t go there. I am so used to living as a single person so changing that life would be an alien experience to me. I do feel like I am missing out but I fear what I have never ventured into and my experiences with people has ruined my trust in anyone which has created a vast amount of anxiety. I always do something stupid to ruin things due to that anxiety. Then I don’t forgive myself for it. Then that is obviously another potential relationship down the pan.

I had to let the cats in at a stupid hour. Then the owls decided to hoot loudly nearby my window for half an hour at quarter to 4 this morning. I had too much in my head to sleep anyway. I am thinking about phone appointment which is making me anxious. I feel like I need to poop but can’t go which is uncomfortable. I get a bit like this near my monthly and it will ease when it feels like it. It is harder to sleep while being uncomfortable. I am tired but need to do so much in the next few months. I miss my friend still but too exhausted to feel emotions right now. I just want my brain to stay numbed so I don’t feel stressed. Anxiety has currently made me feel sick but the alcohol I consumed probably has added to that feeling. I didn’t drink a lot but my stomach was already a bit upset.