Functioning ’normally’ is difficult.

I simply cannot stand the way my brain works sometimes. I woke up quite late. I cannot stand the thought of what I have to do today let alone have any desire to do it. I have taken my medication which hopefully gives me that push once it kicks in. I have been clinging on by a thread to stay awake throughout daylight hours to establish a new pattern and get things done but it has been so hard. I am still mentally at war with my mind beating myself up for doing something that lost me my friend. It makes trying to function on a different pattern 10 times harder. I don’t need a lot from them but just to be present in my life again. I know I am a fool but the connection meant a lot to me even if it was just whatever to them. I tried to rush things in a few months and involved myself in their problems far too quickly. If I got another chance I would take it slowly. If I meet someone special to me I like to give them the world and try to fix their pain. I know that it isn’t seen as normal but I see the world in such a simple childlike way. It isn’t something that is appreciated in the adult world. I struggle to function on a day to day basis but I put others before me. I am a genuinely good person who did something misguided but deserves another chance. I will never pull that kind of stunt ever again because if the friendship comes back to me it will mean too much to mess it up again. I have felt that loss, self hatred and guilt for weeks and never want to experience that again.

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