I know that I shouldn’t be reading tarot before I try to sleep because I will never settle. I now can’t settle due to what they told me. The hope is gone completely at this point. I am fed up of being in friendships whIch always seem to have conditions attached to them. I love unconditionally but others conditions always seem to have issues with my disability traits. Those are things that I can’t help. Then some are bothered about me being an intuitive witch type. That is also not a choice. Both those things are part of me and disliking me for those things are wrong. If I could make a choice to ditch those parts of me I would. Others also need to wind their necks in, most of you judging me most likely have never personally interacted with me. I have only ever wanted people to stick around in my life. That is a simple thing to ask of others. That doesn’t make me a bad person or not worth being friends with. I don’t want to beg for love from others. That always seems to be a reality when you’re autistic with other mental or learning issues. I am still a valid person worth loving regardless of my brain refusing to work normally. People wonder why the suicide rates are higher in the autistic population than the general population. This is exactly the reason. We constantly get rejected for things we can’t help. We know that we can’t change to get someone back in our lives. The only option to end the pain is to end ourselves. Then, on a personal level, I am constantly punishing myself for doing what I did because if I hadn’t done that we would still be friends. I am so wrapped up in that cycle of self hatred that I haven’t hardly slept since it happened.