I have had lectures about drinking by family members. Then they say my flat looks disgusting. They always tell me negative things about my weight gain or the fact that I have a lot of stomach fat. I am sick of it. I feel bad enough as it is right now. Addiction isn’t a choice. I can’t change over night. It took a long time to sink into it. I wouldn’t be this way if people hadn’t abandoned me in my life constantly. I literally expect to be abandoned every time I meet someone now. I was right though because my last friend abandoned me even though they said that they never would. They really don’t mean it when they all say that they will stick around. There is only so much disappointment that a person can take before things like addiction feels like a predictable safe place to stay in long term. I am still on the borderline in comparison to others I have known but still getting affects on my health. I am well aware of the dangers and the effects it is having on my looks and sleep. That doesn’t mean I can snap out of a habit that has been in my life for over 2 years now…. longer than any friend or potential romantic interest has stuck around. If any of those hadn’t left me then I would have never turned to anything to ’fill the void’. I swear that secretly my mother wants any relationships I have with older females to fail. She probably wills them not to work. Apparently I changed in a way she didn’t like since I met my friend on TikTok and now that it is over I am unrecognisable. Well, that is what rejection and pain thrown at a person constantly gives them a ’I don’t give a f’ attitude. I absolutely hate humanity at this moment in time.