Restless night.

I was extremely tired earlier. I nearly fell asleep but got woken up by the cats for their late evening feeding time and then mister wanted to go out and come back in the window. I couldn’t sleep until gone half 3. Then only slept for half an hour because I woke up needing the toilet. I tried to ignore that I needed to go before dropping off but it woke me up again. I saw my Dad in a dream fleetingly while I was asleep. Something like we were flinging black socks around laughing. Yes, my dreams can be rather random. I saw my Nana (Dad’s mum) in a dream the other night. She was sat reading a book with children sat around her. I was little again in the dreams setting. I was a kid when I last saw her alive as I was only 10 when she passed. I was the height of a 5 year old in my dream though. I don’t know whether my relatives are visiting my dreams or they are just memories. Dad had no grey in his hair and looked younger. I only knew Nana as an older person but it reminded me of when they took me to Sunday school at the church near them when I was little. I don’t have many memories from that far back. I must have only been about 4. I don’t think that me growing up to be a non believer in god and going down the pagan route would be that welcomed by those grandparents. Bi sexual, lesbian tendencies would be frowned on and seen as a sin.

Anyway, before I start on how religion has caused more division than many things … I will change the subject. The beginning of this year (the last three weeks especially) has been extremely difficult mentally for me. I haven’t barely slept and most of my sleep has been during daytime. I have gone full into addiction mode drinking alcohol most evenings and popping painkillers (never had both addictions active at the same time previously). I have missed my medication a few times every week. I was triggered big time when my friend walked away. I have suffered so much. The feelings of abandonment drive me to this mental state. I would love them to come back as a friend but no one ever returns to my life so why would it be any different this time? I can’t forgive myself for letting them down. They definitely won’t forgive me. We can’t go back because they won’t want to go there. The wishes that I have in life have always been irrelevant and I just have to go along with the decisions of others even if they are breaking me mentally. Addiction mode isn’t so bad. I love how it takes my feelings away so I don’t care enough to hurt about anything in life. There have been times I have wanted it to end me so I am away from the pain permanently, just fall asleep and finally be free. I know that I shouldn’t wish to die but it would be less painful than living another few decades. I know that I will probably have damaged myself beyond repair by middle age any way, definitely screwed my organs up by that point. Pills and booze kills if you cocktail it all for decades. I am unhappy and incomplete so I don’t intend to stop now. There is no reason to stop. I can’t ever bet on seeing my son again because he has a new family. I only seem to meet users, abusers and players who don’t value me as a person. I have the cats but they won’t live more than a few decades. Some cats get to 30 something years if they are lucky. I intend to abuse my body until it can’t take any more because I get to be free of this existence which hurts too much.

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