I am really being affected now.

I told myself many times in the last couple of weeks that no one else’s behaviour would affect me. The problem is that I am really affected too much. I am starting to beat myself up regarding messing up and ruining a friendship to the point where it is now permanently finished. If it wasn’t over completely they would have come back by now. I feel so hurt even after 3 weeks. It was much easier to act like I didn’t care after it first happened. I am starting to feel it more as the time passes. The permanency of the ending is the main thing that is tearing me down. I can’t sleep. I either can’t eat at all or I eat too much due to being emotionally triggered. That is sending me up and down mentally. I forgot my medication yesterday and ended up in floods of tears. I kept drinking alcohol on a daily basis. I can’t hide the emotional effects it is having on me. I can’t pretend to be happy when I just can’t feel joy about anything at the moment. Others are expecting too much of me. I can’t be friendly because that requires masking. I don’t have the energy for social stuff. I am mentally elsewhere. I keep picking my skin badly to the point where bits have bled. I just want my friend back because what we had was important to me and I just never realised that until it was too late.

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